Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
REST IN PURGATORY, DUDE.
Vol. V, No. 5, 1 May 2003
A Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
MRS. EVIL EXTERMINATES CONFERRED HON
It was
dinner time when the phone rang, interrupting Mrs. Evil’s dinner
preparations; not the best time to be received
graciously. The voice on the other
end of the line asked to speak to her. “This
is she,”
was her response. The caller
identified himself as an aide to Rep.
Tom Delay and a representative of the Republican National Committee.
He wanted her to know that Rep.
Delay wishes to honor her as Business Woman of the Year.
“Really!
Tell me more,”
she asked. “Well, we will let you
hear a taped message from
Representative Delay.
In addition, we would like to include your name, along with other
honorees, when we place an
advertisement in the Wall Street Journal, posting
your commendation. We of course
would appreciate it if you would help pay for the ad by sending us $500.
We will also fax you a
Certificate of
Recognition. Following this, we would like to reserve a seat for you at a banquet held
in your honor.”
Rather
taken aback by this phone call, Mrs. Evil asked if
he was referring to Tom Delay, the cockroach killer from Texas? "Uh, Uh...I
don't know anything about that," said the caller. "Well, isn't he the
House Majority Leader from Texas?"
Response, “Yes...!” Mrs.
Evil then interjected
that Tom Delay before
becoming a member of the House of Representatives, was an exterminator
by profession. "In
addition,
he is such a despicable person that he and his own family are not on speaking
terms. His mother won't
even speak to him."
Mrs.
Evil then
allowed as how she would not want her name
associated in any way shape or form with that of Tom Delay, as it was no honor
to be in his company. The caller was
silent for a few moments then quietly said good bye.
By coincidence, a day or so later we received our copy of the March 3-9 issue of The Washington Post National Weekly and noticed an article titled, “The High Price of Honor” – subtitle: “First comes the award – and then comes the GOP’s fundraising hook” – by Jonathan Weisman. Apparently, the RNC has been running this program for about 5 years - and quite a number of people have accepted the “honor.” The program has been described as fitting “into the hall of fame of telemarketing scams.”
An RNC
spokesman claims that the Committee is simply “recognizing business leaders
and inviting them to periodic conferences and banquets. No money need be given
to accept the honor, although there are fees for the gatherings.” The
fees, as you can guess, are a great deal more than necessary to cover expenses -
$5000 for some Tex-Mex chili and a burrito - and they probably expect you to
leave a tip. If you balk at the
$5,000 they will reduce the price to about $1,250 for their no frills package
– probably some guacamole and chips.
IT'S
MARTINI TIME
What is a martini?
Webster defines it "dryly" as follows: "mar-ti-ni \ mär'tēnē, må'-, -ni \ also martini cocktail n -s sometimes cap M [prob. fr. the name Martini]: a cocktail consisting of two or more parts gin to one of dry vermouth usu. stirred with ice and garnished with an olive, pearl onion, or slice of lemon peel."
Between 1966 and 1975, Webster became a heretic when, in an attempt to appeal to the college crowd, he added "also: one made with vodka instead of gin."
Barnaby Conrad III says this: "You might make a drink, made with Vodka, but it's NOT a Martini. Only Gin can make a Martini!"
Winston Churchill drank his Martinis with gin only, and a twist of lemon. He bowed to France in honor of the absent vermouth. Alfred Hitchcock preferred his gin uncluttered by the taste of vermouth. Instead, he would tap the side of the shaker with the vermouth bottle.
Purists drink theirs "straight up." I guess I'm not a purist.
Satirical poet and short-story writer, Dorothy Parker, wrote the following about Martinis.
I like to have
a Martini
Two at the very most --
After three I'm under the table,
After four I'm under my host.
Historically, I've preferred the conventional 2 to 1 gin to vermouth (with an extra olive for Mrs. Evil) over a few rocks. Lately, though, I have joined up with Churchill and Hitchcock and frequently deleted the vermouth. I have found that the addition of a few drops of Pernod, Frangelico, Sambvca Romana, or Grand Marnier is quite tasty.
But, I digress.
The Plymouth Gin web site includes the following:
Ode to the Martini.
"The Horse and Mule live thirty years
And nothing know of wines or beers.
The Goat and Sheep at twenty die,
But never tasted Scotch or Rye.
The Cow drinks water by the ton
And at eighteen is almost done.
The Dog at fifteen cashes in,
Without the aid of Rum or Gin.
The Cat in milk and water soaks,
And then in twelve short years it croaks.
The useful, sober bone-dry hen,
Lays eggs for Nogs and dies at ten.
All animals are strictly dry,
Teetotal live and quickly die,
But sinful Plymouth
Gin-full men,
Survive for
And some of us (though mighty few),
Stay pickled till we're ninety-two.
Barnaby Conrad III allows as how,
"One
Martini is not enough.
Two Martinis is too much.
Three Martinis is not enough."
Huh?
Then there's the Medicinal Martini, the one I have at 5 or 5:30 some afternoons to delete the aches and pains in my old body after a day of greater-than-usual physical activity. But to qualify as "medicinal" it must be at least 5 to 1 - and no drops of liqueur. They are life savers. They make the labor worthwhile.
Sources: Webster's 1966 Third New International Dictionary, and the1975 New Collegiate Dictionary, both published by G. & C. Merriam Co.: www.plymouthgin.com: The Cocktail Book - A Sideboard for Gentlemen, Neill and Co., Edinburgh: The Martini, by Barnaby Conrad III.
See you at the next rest stop.
Go to Mrs. Evil's Recipe for May: Cheesie Twists. They're great with Martinis.
Dr.
Evil
Contact
Dr. Evil
Why yes, I'm Evil.
