- Mike Peters, Dayton Daily News
Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. Evil
- Mike Peters, Dayton Daily News
Vol. V, No. 1, 1 January, 2003
Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
FOR THE RECORD
REVISITING DR. EVIL'S PREDICTIONS FOR 2002. Only the reasonably accurate ones are reviewed.
Sure enough, No. 43 did not learn how to pronounce "nuclear:" his father, number 41, did not learn how to pronounce Sadam: Colin Powell never did, nor did anyone else, learn how to pronounce his first name.
Although Senate Majority cum Minority Leader Trent Lott did not leave Government to become an Elvis impersonator, he did leave his position to become chairman of the Senate Select Committee on Crosses, Rags and Gasoline. And, as predicted, that Texas roach exterminator, Tom Delay, has been designated heir to Dick Armey, and will become House Majority Whip.
As predicted, Vice President Dick Cheney and Attorney General John Ashcroft continue to refuse to disclose the nature of their investments - although the GAO, to its credit, is still applying pressure.
While the "Government by Stealth" Trophy was not awarded to Dubbya in 2002, there is the promise that he will win the more prestigious but conflicting "Government by Big Business Award."
It can safely be said that Britney Spears' popularity did decline. She is no longer the Pepsi Girl "for those who think young." Hip huggers did certainly decline in fashion in favor of butt huggers - and while her belly button may not have lost its smile, it was moved upward to become her right eyelid, in a permanent condition of "wink."
BIRTH OF AN
UNPRONOUNCEABLE ACRONYM
Now that we have survived the
latest mid-term elections, we are witnessing the typical exodus of Cabinet and
other high level White House appointees. Reasons vary from outright firing,
such as with our recent Secretary of the Treasury and the President's economic
advisor, to an assortment of "personal" reasons. Notice that you never
hear "I'm taking a position with the Halliburton or with CSX" -
although, as we have seen, our highest elected officials and appointees can come
from the corporate sector. The most used excuse is "SMTWTF." Now that's
some acronym. Thoroughly unpronounceable - worse even than the last name of that
famous Li'l Abner character of many years ago, Joe BLFSK.*
No, "SMTWTF" is not an abbreviation for the first six days of the week. You are witness
to the birth of a new unpronounceable acronym for "Spend More Time With The Family."
In the very near future I expect "resignees" to shorten the whole spiel
to "I'm leaving to SMTWTF" - and that's difficult to understand, especially in view of the
apparent scarcity of offspring of government officials as would be indicated in
the preceding article.
* Remember Joe BLFSK? He's that little guy who always had a storm cloud above his head. It was always raining where he stood.
QUOTE OF THE
MONTH
The one and only
black Republican member of Congress, J. C. Watts, Jr., chastised people
"for reading too much into his father's much-quoted quip that a
black person voting Republican makes about as much sense as a 'chicken voting
for Colonel Sanders.' " The Washington Post National Weekly Edition,
December 16-22, 2002.
SORRY,
WRONG NUMBER
Mrs. Evil recently
discovered that we were out of popcorn rice. Now, Popcorn Rice is the greatest
rice there is. We were first introduced to it in New Orleans. In agreement with
its name, when cooked, it smells just like popcorn. Unfortunately,
it is
not available in our area. She had just made some seafood gumbo
with Andouille sausage and put it in the freezer for an upcoming family
gathering. She attempted to telephone La Cuisine Classique, the store in
the French Quarter where she had shopped for popcorn rice some years ago. The gentleman who
answered the phone informed her that, unfortunately, she had the wrong number.
After verifying with him that, indeed, he lived in the New Orleans area, Mrs.
Evil asked him if he would be so kind as to look up the correct number for her.
After a short period of uncertain silence, the man responded with, "I'm
sorry, Darlin', I'm in the middle of having sex right now." Without
missing a beat, Mrs. Evil came right back with, "Well, far be it from me to
interrupt something so important as that." After searching on
Google.com, she was able to find and order her popcorn rice. Fortunately, Mr. Google
wasn't similarly engaged.
A
FRIGHTENING DISCONNECT
The following are excerpts from a Letter to the Editor, by David Antoon, Beavercreek, OH, appearing in the Dayton Daily News, December 15, 2002.
Title: Don't Treat War as a Board Game.
"I served two combat tours in Vietnam as an Air Force pilot. I was young, right out of college. I did what most young soldiers did: I followed orders, without question.
Some of my peers went to Canada to avoid military service. A few became conscientious objectors. A good college friend, after several months in combat performing carpet-bombing from a B-52, went to his commander and said, 'I can't do this anymore. I know I am killing innocent people.'
He spent a year imprisoned before a Jack Anderson column brought attention to this young man's plight, and the Air Force released him. I visited with this brave pilot while he was imprisoned in Southeast Asia. His convictions, and the resulting family separation, cost him his marriage. Many others, classmates and peers, never came home from this war. Some did years later. One of my classmate's remains came home last week.
I visited the Vietnam Memorial several years ago. As I came across the names of friends from high school, college and military service etched 100 times over in that granite, I realized that the pain of each wasted life never goes away. Maybe this is the real message behind the thousands of names on the Vietnam War Memorial.
Each day, the media announce the threat of war with background music and hoopla as though it were a world-championship sporting event. President Bush and his circle of advisors promote war like cheerleaders.
It is understandable why those few in Washington who know the firsthand experiences of war wish to avoid it. Unfortunately, those in power do not.
President Bush and his advisers must understand that war is not a board game ... . It is evil. And the pain of war is enduring."
POSTSCRIPT: I feel it is appropriate to offer a quote from David Broder's op-ed piece, A Lump of Coal From the President, December 4, 2002. It is as follows: "As my friend, columnist Mark Shields, pointed out recently, when Congress authorized the use of force in Iraq, not a single member of the House and only one senator had a son or daughter serving in the enlisted ranks of the armed services. And only three House members have children who are officers."
We're talking
about 100 members of the Senate and 415 in the House - that's 515 men and women,
most of whom are parents - and George W. Bush, Dick
Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Andrew Card, Carl Rove, etc. etc.
The disconnect is
frightening.
Ironically, the only high ranking moderating voice is that of a former Army general, now Secretary of State, Colin Powell.
DR.
AND MRS. EVIL WISH YOU ALL A HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR.
See you at the next rest stop.
Go to Mrs. Evil's Recipe for January: Junior's Famous Cheesecake
Dr.
Evil
Contact
Dr. Evil
Why yes, I'm Evil.