Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. VI, No. 12, December 1, 2004
A Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable
More Excerpts
from the Gangstertown* Police Report
"An .... resident reported finding a hypodermic needle on the street .... . Police disposed of the needle.
A .... woman reported .... that every time she tried to speak on the phone with her sister .... the sister's husband said her sister was busy. Police found everything was fine.
A .... employee reported .... that someone had entered his locked office, rummaged through papers and smeared an unknown substance on his phone.
.... a .... resident complained that a neighbor had piled leaves in the middle of the street. The neighbor moved the leaves to the curb.
.... a .... Hospital employee reported that a patient might have been involved in a stabbing .... . Police interviewed the man, who was from .... , who said that night he had been assaulted at a house on a College Street, although he wasn't sure which town the street was located in.
.... a .... resident reported that he couldn't find his hearing aid. The man said he left it by the front door on Halloween and wondered if a trick-or-treater took it, thinking it was candy.
On Monday, ...., a .... employee reported that someone poured coffee on her telephone sometime between Nov. 24 and Nov. 29."
* Some might say that this is the kind of despicable behavior one would expect from a town where, in the recent presidential election, Kerry received 2325 votes and Bush 259.
One Of My Favorite
Places
To understand the following, you must know, as I reported in Vol. V, No. 7, this missive (which see), I have for years benefited from a malady brought to my attention in a non-too-diplomatic manner by a former boss - namely my habit of looking a bit downward while walking. It has served me well.
So, there I was - in one of my favorite places in the yard, reading one of my favorite mags, Natural History. It's a safe read, without the dominance of politics, murder, or graft. Others not benefiting from my ailment might not understand how that part of the yard could be one of my favorite places, in view of the fact that, on a good day, I am surrounded by a minefield of dog droppings. I feel secure in this place for that very reason. I am totally protected from interruption. While I have no trouble navigating the minefield, others without my problem would not dare to approach me. Because she has normal head orientation and seemingly magnetized shoes, Mrs. Evil is not inclined to approach me and drag me by the ear to do some trivial house-oriented chore. I feel secure in my special place.
However, there's one drawback. Lily, my favorite of our two dogs, is very reluctant to approach me, even when she is coaxed. This is curious, since she is responsible for the most deadly depositions. She obviously has no reluctance to venture into this part of the yard when she "feels the urge," but does not really like to for anything of less importance.
Then I figured out why.
She has normal head orientation.
Quotes from Oscar
Wilde
"It is only shallow people who do not judge by
appearances."
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or
tedious."
"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."
"Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when
it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes."
Christmas
One of my favorite reads is Panati's Extraordinary Origins of Everyday Things, by Charles Panati, Harper and Row, 1989. If you have ever wondered where things came from, how they got started, or what did they originally mean, you would appreciate it, also.
I ran across an item of seasonal interest the other day. It's title is "Christmas A.D. 337, Rome." The article follows.
"As a holy day and a holiday, Christmas is an amalgam of the traditions from a half-dozen cultures, accumulated over centuries. A turkey dinner and a decorated tree, Christmas cards and Santa Claus, yule logs, mistletoe, bells, and carols originated with different peoples to become integral parts of December 25, a day on which no one is certain Jesus Christ was born.
The idea to celebrate the Nativity on December 25 was first suggested early in the fourth century, the clever conceit of church fathers wishing to eclipse the December 25 festivities of a rival religion that threatened the existence of Christianity.
It is important to note that for two centuries after Christ's birth, no one knew, and few people cared, exactly when he was born. Birthdays were unimportant; death days counted. Besides, Christ was divine, and his natural birth was deliberately played down. As mentioned earlier, the Church even announced that it was sinful to contemplate observing Christ's birthday 'as though He were a King Pharaoh.'
Several renegade theologians, however, attempted to pinpoint the Nativity and came up with a confusion of dates: January 1, January 6, March 25, and May 20. The latter eventually became a favored date because the Gospel of Luke states that the shepherds who received the announcement of Christ's birth were watching their sheep by night. Shepherds guarded their flocks day and night only at lambing time, in the spring: in winter, the animals were kept in corrals, unwatched. What finally forced the issue, and compelled the Church to legitimize a December 25 date, was the burgeoning popularity of Christianity's major rival religion, Mithraism.
On December 25, pagan Romans still in the majority, celebrated Natalis Solis Invicti,, 'Birthday of the Invincible Sun God,' Mithras. The cult originated in Persia and rooted itself in the Roman world in the first century B.C. By A.D. 274, Mithraism was so popular with the masses that Emperor Aurelian proclaimed it the official state religion. In the early 300s, the cult seriously jeopardized Christianity, and for a time it was unclear which faith would emerge victorious.
Church fathers debated their options.
It was well known that Roman patricians and plebeians alike enjoyed festivals of a protracted nature. The tradition was established as far back as 753 B.C., when King Romulus founded the city of Rome on the Palatine hill. Not only the Roman observance of Natalis Solis Invicti occasioned December feasts and parades; so, too, did the celebration of the Saturnalia, in honor of Saturn, god of agriculture. The Church needed a December celebration.
Thus, to offer converts an occasion in which to be pridefully celebratory, the Church officially recognized Christ's birth. And to offer head-on competition to the sun-worshipers' feast, the Church located the Nativity on December 25. The mode of observance would be characteristically prayerful: a mass; in fact, Christ's Mass. As one theologian wrote in the 320s: 'We hold this day holy, not like the pagans because of the birth of the sun, but because of him who made it.' Though centuries later social scientists would write of the psychological power of group celebrations - the unification of ranks, the solidification of collective identity, the reinforcement of common objectives - the principle had long been intuitively obvious.
The celebration of Christmas took permanent hold in the Western world in 337, when the Roman emperor Constantine was baptized, uniting for the first time the emperorship and the Church. Christianity became the official state religion. And in A.D. 354, Bishop Liberius of Rome reiterated the importance of celebrating not only Christ's death but also his birth."
See you at the next rest stop.
Dr.
Evil
Contact
Dr. Evil
Why yes, I'm Evil.