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Vol. VI, No. 1, 1 January, 2004

A Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth

FOOTBALL AT LSU

I was struck by all the controversy about the college bowl games this year - especially the Sugar Bowl. Which team really is first in the nation? - and all that. USC? Oklahoma? LSU? Kansas? The computers finally decided that LSU and Oklahoma should square off for the number 1 and 2 slots. USC ended up in the Rose Bowl against Michigan - ranked #7. I don't remember what happened to Kansas. 

I know that football is a big time money maker, especially for the top 15 or so perennial power houses. I also understand that football pays for most of the expenses of Phys-Ed departments in these colleges and that most of them couldn't field archery, hurling,  wrestling, or volleyball teams if it weren't for football.  

Then somebody said that Head Coach Nick Saban at LSU would likely be offered $3M - that's $3,000,000.00 - in salary next year for bringing his team out of second tier relative obscurity to play in the championship game this year. Boy, that's a hunk of money for anyone, including a college professor. Well, I don't really think he can be called a college professor. To be a college professor, one usually has to have a PhD - and to become a full professor one typically has to prove himself over a rather long period of time. Maybe then he/she will see $60 - $70 thou. Even an Assistant Professor usually requires a PhD. A departmental head may pull down $100K.

So I got to wondering what kind of staff does this guy, Saban, have. How many "students" does he have in his "Department of Football?" How does it compare, say, with the Department of Mechanical Engineering or the Department of Mathematics?

Well, it turns out that he has ten "professionals" under him - all with inflated titles: Associate Head Coach - Wide Receivers, Assistant Head Coach - Linebackers, Offensive Coordinator - Quarterbacks, Special Teams Coach - Running Backs, Offensive Line Coach, Defensive Coach, Defensive Coordinator, Defensive Coach - Backs, Strength and Conditioning Coordinator, and Assistant Strength and Conditioning Coordinator. There's also an Assistant Athletics Director - Football in there, but I'm uncertain as to his relationship to the Head Coach. Then there's likely to be a team doctor, a psychologist, a masseuse and a whole gang of GatorAid squirters, intercom cable handlers, etc. that we always see in the army of people on the side-line. 

There are 106 players listed on the 2003 LSU football roster - 17 seniors, 18 Juniors, 25 Sophomores, 45 Freshmen, and 1 Unclassified.  (The New England Patriots have only 53 players - that's half of LSI's.)

Saban would receive $28,301.89 per year per "student." 

We've all heard about how football coaches think and do football 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Well, that's $342.47 per hour - no down time. With an 80-hour work-week, he would get $721.15 per hour. 

I see that ballooning salaries are not limited to the corporate world. 

Oh yes, the Department of Mechanical Engineering. Well, there are 24 faculty members - 7 Professors, 9 Associate Professors and 8 Assistant Professors. In addition, 9 others are listed as non-administrative staff. They have 50 students in the Doctoral program, 65 in the Masters program and 425 undergraduates.  

If we assume that a departmental head's salary should be based on the number of students in the department, and that the LSU Department of Football is typical, the head of the Department of Mechanical Engineering would receive $15.3M per year - a little more than the $100K or so that he receives now. 

2003  PREDICITIONS BY SAFIRE

The following predictions for 2003 appeared in What news will 2003 bring? William Safire, Dayton Daily News, 2 Jan. 2003 .

"To cope with North Korea, the U.S. will convince Beijing that its tolerance of proliferation would tempt Taiwan to build its own nuclear 'equalizer.'”
    Nope! No such temptation on the part of Taiwan - and, so as not to disappoint corporate America, we turned our back on them.

"War on Saddam starts on schedule, between Lincoln’s Birthday and Valentine’s Day." 
     It actually started on March 19th. Valentine's Day fell on February 14th, so that was pretty
close.

"Saddam’s army will fight fiercely until they see the Turkish army coming." 
    The Turkish army didn’t come and Saddam’s army didn’t fight. Instead, the entire Iraqi 51^st Division and its top officers surrendered en masse. Others simply faded into the desert.

"Fallout from an overthrow of Saddam will be:
(a) the emergence of a democratic alternative to Arafat in the West Bank."
    Although Arafat has been somewhat eclipsed, he still is the man to be reckoned with. 

"(b) uprising in Syria and Assad’s withdrawal from Lebanon."
    Didn't even come close.

"(c) wave of reform shaking the theocracy in ran."
    This one didn't make it either. The only shakin' goin' on was in Bad, 7.4 on the Richter scale. 

"(d) decline in Wahhabi-induced terror as nervous Saudi royals turn westward for protection." 
    While the Saudis have turned somewhat in our direction, the did order our military out of the country. Lot's of conflicting actions taken by the Saudis. 

"Osama bin Laden will be sold out by a trusted supporter for the huge reward." 
    The reward goes unclaimed.

"When Chief Justice Rehnquist resigns this summer, Bush will promote Scalia to chief and nominate a not-too-conservative Latino to the bench." 
    Didn't happen. Rehnquist is still going strong and no new nominees came into view. 

All of which "shows to go" you - it just ain't that easy. Even, William Safire, the renowned columnist and former Nixon speech writer, can't predict events any better than Dr. Evil. 

As examples, see Vol. V, No. 1.

See you at the next rest stop.

Go to  Mrs. Evil's Recipe for October, Dr. Evil's Butter Pecan Biscotti

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