Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy

On the Road with DR. EVIL  

Home

Vol. IV, No. 4, 9 April 2002

A Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth

JUST A BUNCH OF DUMMIES
There was this interesting picture in the March 5th issue of the Dayton Daily. Its title was "Just a bunch of dummies." In the foreground was a "family" of automotive test dummies, consisting of a mom and dad and three teenagers, all seated in chairs on a platform. In front of them, seated on the floor, were three sub-teen dummies. A woman is walking toward the display, carrying a smaller dummy. The caption reads, "Karen Ward, executive assistant at First Technology Safety Systems Inc. in Plymouth, Mich., carries a dummy representing a 1-year-old child to its spot with a dummy family that the company is exhibiting at the SAE 2002 World Congress in Detroit." If she were not a "she," but, instead, a "he," he would probably not be carrying it in quite that same way. I suspect he would probably be dragging it along by an ankle - or over his shoulder like a bag of bird seed. Ms. Ward has it cradled in her arms, its head resting in the crook of her right elbow, her right hand supporting it under its right hip. Her left forearm and hand are under its knees. She's carrying it just as she would if it was a real child. Who says there's no feminine instinct for motherliness?

BALONI HOTNEWS.COM WIRE
FLASH Sources at the White House report the recent installation of a "shadow" government. However, it is strongly suspected that such a government, in fact, was installed on January 20, 2001. 
FLASH The firm, Arthur Anderson, is being indicted by the Department of Justice on the charge of obstruction of justice. It seems they shredded a couple tons of records dealing with the Enron debacle. Whereas other announcements of big time legal actions taken by the Department of Justice have been jumped on in front of the camera by Attorney General Ashcroft, this one against big business has been pushed off onto an underling. It was one of the Assistant Attorneys General who has been pushed out front and made all the announcements on this one. Not only is he an underling, but he's a black man. This way Attorney General Ashcroft doesn't have to absorb much of the flack from Washington lobbyists. A second tier minority can take the blame. Then to, if things get too uncomfortable, he can claim that the underling was not authorized to make such an announcement. 
FLASH Last month it was reported in these pages that Vice President Cheney had been spirited off to a "secure location" in a fruit cellar on a farm near Crawford, Texas, and replaced by a white pig wearing a rubber head to stand in for him at important functions.  It was generally believed that, rather than being a security measure, Dubbya felt that the real Cheney was too commanding a figure to be "out in front" on any more issues. In a puzzling move, the big "Oinker" has just finished a tour of several Middle Eastern countries, a task that should have been given to Secretary of State Colin Powell. It has been reported that Powell joined Cheney in that fruit cellar. There has been no commentary regarding security this time, however. No commentary, period. Our sources indicate that the purpose was to remove him from public view, the same as for Cheney. "I guess that's what you get when you have an opinion of your own," our reporter suggested, "like using a condom if a teenager insists on playing around, or for being less than a rabid hawk regarding the axis of evil, mini-nukes and the fate of Saddam Hussein. I wonder how many more members of this administration will be joining them?  Who knows how many others are already there?" A Powell look-alike was not seen until, after the Cheney debacle, it was sent on a trip to North African and Near Eastern Arab countries and, finally, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority - thus allowing enough time for Sharon to complete his attacks against Arafat's numb skulls. 

Duh!!  
HOPING TO SEE YOU SOON
Mrs. Evil and I recently received a friendly letter from a nearby funeral home and crematory. It contained a tender little brochure outlining that we should relieve emotional and financial burdens from those we love, express our own wishes and avoid conflicts among family and friends. In other words, they want us to decide if we wanted to be planted or fried. It also contained a work sheet to help us decide on how to perform all of these services for those we would be leaving behind. Do we want a "Direct Cremation?" If we pay now, it'll cost us only $620.00, and that includes our choice of a cremation casket or an urn. It is specified that, if we choose to be fried, we will be done so in our own clothing, unless we indicated otherwise. Hmmmmm! I think I'll cross-dress. There were a few other incidental charges. In an attached note, the Preplanning Advisor introduced herself and suggested that we use the worksheet to indicate our preferences. She closed her message with, "Hoping to see you soon." 

See you at the next rest stop.

Dr. Evil

Contact Dr. Evil

Why yes, I'm Evil.

Top of Page

Home - More of Volume IV