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Vol. IV, No. 10, 1 October 2002

A Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth

WHAT IS THIS "NO BEARDS" CRAP
Until a few seasons ago, the Cincinnati Reds management insisted that players not have any facial hair. No beards! No goatees or moustaches. No side burns below the ears. Chinny-chin-chins had to be smooth as a baby's behind. Head hair had to be close-cropped. I suspect they even monitored eyebrows as well as nose and ear hair.  The 1920s image of ball players with handlebar moustaches and goatees was just that - 1920s. Reds players had to look as though they just come from confirmation. This "squeaky clean" policy resulted in a reduction in fan interest as well as lost opportunities to attract players - the interesting ones as well as the good ones. I remember when they attempted to attract Rollie Fingers to Cincinnati. Fingers was the premier relief pitcher of his day. Once the Cincinnati management explained their "hairless" policy, Fingers gave them the "finger." You see, Rollie had a magnificent handlebar moustache - a real 1920s masterpiece - and wasn't about to shave it off. 

Now I see that the American military isn't any better. Our troops in Afghanistan have been ordered to become clean-shaven. 

In Afghanistan, facial hair is considered not just to be a masculine thing, but a badge of honor. Having been in-country for some time now, many of our troops have gone a bit native, as many troops do when stationed in remote theaters. They have grown moustaches and/or beards. Nothing that hangs down to the waist. Those I've seen are quite conservative, even by 1960s Berkeley  standards. Not only do they blend in a bit more easily, but they are looked upon by the locals with more acceptance. They are wearing their badges of honor and masculinity. 

Some so-far-unidentified critic objects to this adaptation and has passed it on to his/her rep in Congress - who passed it on to the Central Army Command in Tampa. So now they've issued an order to the troops in the field. "Cut it off." 

Our GIs are foreign troops, in effect occupying parts of Afghanistan - about as foreign as can be. We will likely be there for a long time if we expect of have a desirable and lasting effect. We need all the understanding we can achieve. What little bit of favorable impression that might have been created in the minds of the Afghanis by this little gesture is now, of course, lost. That a way, boys. The management of the Reds would have been proud. 

BEAUTY WARTS?
A Lancôme of Paris cosmetics ad appeared in our mailbox recently. Its cover featured a close-up of the left side of a very attractive young woman's face. Her eye was almost closed and her upper eyelid was painted intense midnight blue nearly to her brow, as though a lumpy blacktop driveway sealer had been used. She had produced a most seductive expression, with her mouth partially open (of course) and displaying a perfect set of snow white teeth. On the edge of her upper lip there was a mole. These presumably naturally occurring beauty marks are not at all unusual. The original custom was to use little round beauty-mark gizzies of contrasting color that ladies usually pasted near an eye or mouth, or cleavage to draw attention to whichever she felt was her most attractive feature. Interestingly enough, almost always on the left side. Hmmmmm! Is this the beginning of a trend? Does this mean that we will soon see fake warts and moles for sale the cosmetics department at Sears? Its one thing to use little round gizzies, but to use fake warts? It reminds me of that character in "Goldmember" who had a monstrous alien growing just north of the left side of his upper lip. It was so hypnotic that Austin Powers couldn't break his concentration on it. 

It reminds me of Miss G------, my 6th grade teacher. (Her name is being withheld to protect the guilty.) She encouraged her students to occasionally give memorized recitations. I will never forget seeing my friend Spencer Shattuck standing up in front of the class, beside her desk presenting a long involved memorized tale about a middle aged heroine who had a "beautiful blue wart southeast of her nose." He went on and on about that big old wart. I was in the back row, as trouble makers were prone to be, and found myself looking back and forth from Spencer to Miss G------. You see, Miss G------ had a beautiful similarly colored wart southeast of HER nose. I tried my best to keep from cracking up. I don't know if I succeeded or not. The next thing I remember was waking up in a small, dark and dank chamber in the sub-basement of the school. Naw! Just kidding. 

DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER
I once fantasized that, when I croaked, I would have my ashes encased in a hollowed-out ceramic block, then re-fired so that the lid would be glazed inseparably to the body of the block. Then my survivors would hire an airplane to transport me to the western Pacific and dump me into the Mindanao Deep off the Philippine Islands. That's the deepest known part of all the oceans. This way, a couple billion years from now, when our Sun, in it's final death throws, is expected to expand in size at least through the orbits of Mercury, Venus, Earth, and probably Mars, my ashes would be the last human remains to blast off. 

Now, I've found a more practical solution to preserving my longevity. Life Gem is a small company near Chicago. It has begun offering, for a rather large fee, to transform the carbon in one's ashes to diamonds. They say there's enough to make several - at about $4000 per quarter-carat. That way you can hang around the neck or finger or set into an upper front tooth of your surviving spouse, friend, or significant "other" and flashed for a good many more years - even passed on to additional and remote generations - ad nauseum. Rover could also be thus transformed. It sort of gives a new meaning to "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend." 

Go to Mrs. Evil's Recipe for October: Coconut-Almond Macaroons.

See you at the next rest stop.

Dr. Evil

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