Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. I, No. 7, 15 December 1999
A
Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
AN
OINTMENT FOR FALLS, WOUNDS, CONTUSIONS, CUTS, &C
- excerpts from a Booklet of Natural Remedies used by American Indians.
"Take four pounds of mice dung, pound them, and put them in a new pot glazed inside, add to it one pound of fresh butter; boil the whole during a short time, and strain it through a linen, and in this liquid, put two ounces of turpentine, and finish boiling the whole. This is a wonderful ointment."
How long do you suppose it takes to collect 4 lbs. of mouse poop? Maybe mice were bigger in the olde days.
- - - or, how about this one?
TO
DISSOLVE THE APOSTHUMES AND ABSCESSES THAT COME ABOUT THE THROAT
"You must have some dry ass dung, and swallow dung, put them in powder, which you will mix with warm water. The patient must very often make use of it as a gargle. This remedy is very certain."
I'll say!
"What's an "aposthume", you ask? Well, it isn't in my Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary or in my Webster's Third New International. It isn't even in Stedman's Medical Dictionary. I suppose it could be Navajo, or Kikapu, but I doubt it. However, these old names for ailments are really great.
PLAYING
WITH WORDS
I ran across an ad for a newly published book. Synopsis: "This book charts how millions have spent billions to enlarge or shrink body parts . . . Plastic surgery embraces self-enhancement, prejudice, greed, submission and opportunity. This is about life in a democracy, where (for a price) any boy can be president and any girl can be Miss America" Its title is Venus Envy: A History of Cosmetic Surgery, by Elizabeth Haiken.
Is that title a play on words or what?
WHAT
DO THE REALLY RICH SPEND THEIR MONEY ON?
I recently read about a Kuwaiti potentate who owns a Boeing 747 with a gyroscopically rotating prayer room continuously oriented toward Mecca. That's really something. But he also has serious heart problems, so he had the plane's upper deck converted into a cardiac intensive-care unit with all the latest technology. That's even greater. But, get this: The plane is also equipped with a living donor. A heart donor. He's some poor guy of compatible blood/tissue type to permit a relatively uncomplicated transplant, should his benefactor need it. His reward is to live well until needed and the promise that his family would live well afterward. Do you suppose he gets frequent flier miles? As Aristotle Onassis is reported to have once said regarding the very rich, "The rules are . . . there are no rules.
DO
NEW CARS HAVE DRIVERS?
New car ads on TV typically show the new model traveling at about 110 mph down a winding mountain road, taking the sharp curves without effort, or in a controlled sideways skid with the front wheels grinding away because it obviously has front wheel drive, or tooling over absolutely impossible terrain of rocks as big as Mrs. E's refrigerator, or traveling across sand dunes, creating a tidal wave of sand in its wake. But, where's the driver? You never see the driver. You never even see his/her silhouette, let alone any facial expressions. Is he enjoying himself? Is she absolutely terrified? Is he/she a maniac or a Wall Street mogul? (Is there a difference?) Sometime I see a reminder, at the bottom of the screen in lettering about a pixel in height, to the effect that such antics are not recommended except by the highly trained driver.
Yeh? Sure!
Have a Merry Christmas,
Dr. Evil
Why yes, I'm Evil.
.