Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. I, No. 6, 30 November 1999
A
Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
EXCERPTS
FROM POLICE REPORT OF THE VILLAGE NEWS
Sick raccoons were reported on North Walnut Street Thursday of last week, on Rice Road Saturday and on Xenia Avenue Monday. - - Customers at a local tavern told their server as they left Saturday that the money for their $28 bill was on the table. It wasn't. - - A sanitary napkin dispenser in the Care Center restroom was broken into Monday and the contents and coins taken. - - Noise - The owner of a barking dog on Lisa Lane was given a verbal warning to control the animal's noise Friday. - - An unwanted person on the highway Wednesday of last week was gone when police arrived. - - Someone entered a vehicle while it was parked in her driveway, but nothing was taken. - - One dollar was stolen Saturday from a vehicle belonging to a local resident while it was parked in her driveway."
It's a real challenge raising kids in such a tough town.
WHERE
ARE ALL THOSE QUALIFIED CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT?
We have a serious problem in this country. We are rapidly running out of qualified political candidates - especially for the Presidency. We have, in recent years, witnessed a great harangue about the value of having had a significant military experience to qualify for the Presidency. Look how Bill Clinton is criticized. And I'm sure, you've noticed that the military careers of Bill Bradley and "Dubya" are under scrutiny by the media as well as their opposition. However, just being in the military is not good enough. The candidate must have been involved in a great and "good" war, one in which there is a gigantic struggle to preserve democracy, if not mankind. On the chance that, because of the coincidence of birth date, one is not called on to serve in such a struggle, forget having a political career. Therefore, it would appear that the worst thing that can happen to our political system is to suffer peace for a protracted period of time. In such a case, where would we find qualified candidates for our many elective offices. I say , "Let's have a horrific war at least once every 8 to 10 years." That way we will never run out of qualified candidates. But wait! Does this really make sense? If this notion is true, how do you explain the well orchestrated whispering campaign against Senator John McCain. "But he's one of our most famous and admired vets," you say. Well, yes he is. But you see, he had the misfortune of being in the Vietnam War and he had the double misfortune of being shot down and the triple misfortune of becoming a prisoner of war. That's different. Because that was such an unpopular war and because he was tortured over a protracted period, he may have been made into the "angry" type. He may even have developed a temper and, therefore, he may not be qualified for the Presidency? Andrew Jackson, Teddy Roosevelt and others are said to have had big time tempers. How, then, can some of them be considered above average presidents? The pickings become more slim (and less interesting) if, in addition to being even tempered, it's OK if the candidate is a little on the dumb side, like George Wills recently proclaimed. Gee! All these years, I've been qualified for President and didn't know it.
LINDA'S
TRIPP
I see that Linda Tripp is seeking donations to her legal defense fund. As you know, I'm sure, she is up on Maryland wiretap charges, allegedly having surreptitiously taped phone conversations with Monica and illegally disclosing their contents to Newsweek. Something's wrong here. I have always thought that only evidence which has been legally obtained is admissible in court. Oh, I forget. Impeachment proceedings against the President of the United States don't have to hold to the same high standards required for a legal action taken against someone for shop lifting - which I think we can all agree, is a very serious crime.
DUBLIN (Reuters): "ELIZABETH II TO
MAKE FIRST VISIT TO IRELAND"
THE FIRST?
The headline says it all.
See you at the next rest stop.
Dr. Evil
Why yes, I'm Evil.
.