Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. I, No. 5, 31 October 1999
A Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
TELLING
IT LIKE IT IS
Historically, the British have been very conscious of the manner in which English is spoken. Their social classes are pretty much defined by how their members pronounce their words. Lower class citizens, and especially colonials, have been harshly criticized when they attempted to "improve" their enunciation to more closely resemble that of the upper classes. They were considered impertinent when speaking at a level to which they did not belong. In 1926, the Advisory Committee on Spoken English was formed to arbitrate correct upper class pronunciation. George Bernard Shaw was the chairman. On one occasion he brought up the word "canine" , and proposed that the recommended pronunciation be "kay-nine". Another member disagreed, "Mr. Chairman, I don't know why you even bring this up. Of course, it is 'kah-nine.'" Shaw said, "I always pronounce things the way they are pronounced by people who use the word professionally every day" and added, "My dentist always says 'kay-nine.'" Someone said, "Well, in that case, Mr. Shaw, you must have an American dentist." Shaw whipped back at him with, "Of course, why do you think at age 76, I still have all my teeth?"
A
NEW MAXIM FOR KEEPING IN SHAPE
I have discovered a new maxim for keeping in shape. I have never been a particularly arduous exerciser and I have never owned a muscle shirt. I have pretty much felt that my average day was reasonably active and, that being the case, by functioning reasonably well each day, I sort of automatically kept myself in sufficient physical condition to meet my day to day requirements. It was not unusual for me to pretty much "cool it" some weekends, especially in wintertime, and to not do a great deal of physical stuff. I never had much trouble recouping my stamina, such as it was, after such weekends. Now that I've gotten older, though, I find that it takes me about 2 days to get TOTALLY out of shape and about 2 weeks to get back in. So, if I screw-off for 2 days each week, the problem can be expressed as follows. Stamina is drawn down by a function of the following formula: stamina minus the quantity (2 x 52 x 23) - in which: 2 equals the number of days loafed per week, 52 equals the number of weeks per year, and 23 equals the life expectancy of someone my age. This means that stamina will be eventually reduced by 2392 units. I don't know what its value is right now, but regardless, it's a losing proposition. Obviously, it can only be maintained by NEVER loafing. I'll be damned if that will ever happen.
See you at the next rest stop.
Dr. Evil
Why yes, I'm Evil.
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