Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. II, No. 8, 31 July 2000
A
Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
STIR
GENTLY! DON'T BRUISE THE TOES
There's this gold-rush-days type bar in remote Alaska. Over the years, its various proprietors have managed to acquire the frostbitten and subsequently amputated toes from a rather large number of old sourdough feet. They are perfectly awful looking shriveled and blackened things, nails and all - barely recognizable as former body parts. A tradition at this bar is to serve a toe, or two or three, neat, no ice cubes, in a short drink - about two fingers (or toes) of whiskey. Needless to say, the repeated bourbon- and rye-soaks haven't improved their appearance. House rules require that the drinker permit the digits to at least touch the lips with the glass tipped up. A real mountain man will demonstrate his dedication by draining the glass and wriggling the toes around inside his glass with the tip of his tongue - or better yet, by finishing the drink with a toe sticking out between his lips like a short, soggy, dripping stogie.
TRADEMARK
ANYONE?
Ford Broncos carry their spare tires mounted on the outside of the rear door. The one ahead of me in traffic had lettered across the top of its cover the word, "Tennessee." In the center was a big "T" and at the bottom, "Vols," obviously an ad for the University of Tennessee Volunteers sports teams. To the right and below the "T" and "Vols" were small " TMs," indicating trademark registration. I am by no means a patent or trademark attorney, but somehow I have trouble understanding how use of the letter "T" can be protected under a trademark. "Vols" is also a bit of a stretch, but "T?" Does this mean we are not allowed to use "Ts" in our everyday spelling? (Oooops! Excuse me.) If it was a "K," we could get by with "Ch" or even "Q." "Ph" and "Pf" could be substituted for "F," but, like many other letters, there's no substitute for "T." We could get by if the letter "H" was trademarked. At least we could still say, "Wat a 'ell of a mess." If this sort of thing gets out of hand, we might be denied use of "B," "D," "W," and "R." How in the world would we be able to say, "I'll have a Budweiser, please?"
MORE
EVIDENCE THAT THE VILLAGE IS GOING DOWN THE TUBE
The following are excerpted from our Village Police Report. "An unwanted person was reported for playing a guitar on the sidewalk in front of Weaver's Grocery Sunday. . . The guardian of a local juvenile who was playing loud music in a vehicle Tuesday told police he would take care of the situation. . . A customer who promised the clerk at BP at 7 a.m. Sunday that he would return with $12 for gas did not. . . A resident reported Saturday that a dog had chased and injured her cat. . . A lawn mower was found hidden in the bushes of a local residence Thursday of last week. . . A naked man was reported on Lawson Place Saturday. . . When three juveniles could not buy a part for one of their bicycles last week, they took a tool from the business and removed the nut they needed from one of their rental bikes."
STILL
MORE EVIDENCE
Not long ago, Jerry Fallwell alleged that the little purple Teletubby was a statement on behalf of gays, because of his/her/its color (purple) and that he/she/it carried a "purse," or something closely akin to one. Now, in a recent Dayton Daily News "Letter to the Editor," a Mr. Don Stansell of Centerville writes that the "The Harry Potter series violates God's Law." Continuing, he proclaims, that "God has forbidden his people from having anything to do with wizards. Perhaps Harry Potter is an apple from the Garden of Eden." If this guy really believes in wizards, he's in big trouble.
BETTER
THAN A MIRROR ON THE KNOB OF THE OLD FLOOR-MOUNTED GEAR SHIFT
Governor Taft, of Ohio, has recently signed into law a bill making high-tech voyeurism a crime. The bill makes it a State offense to secretly photograph or videotape under a person's clothing to try to get skin or underwear pictures. Modern photographic equipment has made it easier for so-called "upskirters" and "downblousers" to catch glimpses at things they shouldn't. Jail terms can be as much as 6 months and a fine of up to $1000. The sponsor of the bill claims that a man used a video camera to film under a woman's dress at a church carnival in his district. The Bill takes effect in October. Gosh, I never thought of doing that. What a great idea. OK, you guys, we have until October.
THE LATEST BUMPER STICKER: "READ MY
LIPS, NO MORE TEXANS."
See you at the next rest stop.
Dr. Evil
Why yes! I'm Evil.
.