Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. II, No. 7, 30 June 2000
A
Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
THE
MAN'S SPORT
I tuned in on the Atlanta Braves/Pittsburgh Pirates baseball game one Monday evening. I'm used to seeing ads for various things placed strategically to take advantage of the most frequent TV camera angles. The most popular is the view from left-center field so that you see the pitcher, batter, catcher, umpire, some guy in a white fedora behind the backstop with a speed gun, and a nut, gyrating around, knowing that he is being seen by millions. Since this is the most frequent view, it is also the most favored for ads. So there they were, on the low wall behind the plate at the base of the screen - first, one for UPMC Sports Medicine, followed by Ace Hardware, Auto Zone, True Value Hardware, Gulf Oil, and other "manly" products and services - including VIAGRA. None for Ponds Beauty Creme. None for Oreck Vacuum Cleaners. None for Krogers. Is this a man's sport or what?
MASSIVE
OVERREACTION
Maybe that nine-year-old boy from Plainsboro, NJ, was guilty of bad timing. Or, more likely, officials were guilty of massive overreaction. The boy told one of his fourth-grade classmates that he was going to "shoot" another student with a "paper wasp". In other words, he planned to launch a paper wad with a rubber band at one of his classmates - just like many kids do from time to time. (I was one of my grade school's best shots with these missiles.) The parents of another student heard about the boy's plan and promptly notified the county school district, which promptly notified the police, who promptly showed up at the boy's home at 12:30 a.m. that night to "interview" him. "We just wanted to make sure that students were safe," explained the district spokesperson. But what if he comes back to class with a straw and some spitballs or, worse, a pea shooter? I say to all you third graders out there, "RISE UP! RELEASE THE HOUNDS - and the paper wads and spit balls.
NOT
EXACTLY LAZY COW SYNDROME
Mrs. Evil and I were driving west on Hyde Road not long ago and spotted a cow lying on its side, away from the others, who were busy munching grass in another part of the pasture. I didn't think much of it at the time, but on the return trip it was still there. We made a "U" turn and drove down the road to the farmer's house to tell him that he may have a sick cow on his hands. There was a sign on his front door. It read, "Yes, I know my cow is dying. I've called the Vet."
TODAY'S
QUOTE
"If you took the percentages of times that I have really gone overboard in whatever way, in whatever circumstances, that's a pretty small percentage of all the circumstances I've been in. To me, it is kind of a simple equation: I have to be able to do all the time basically what I've done most of the time now. I think that I've obviously made a mistake here and a mistake there, but I don't think those mistakes define the person." Who do you suppose said that? No, it wasn't John Rocker. It wasn't Timothy McVeigh, either. It was Bobby Knight, basketball coach at the University of Indiana. Mr. Knight might make a good politcal speech writer.
OBITUARY
Bart the Bear died on the 22nd of last month. He was 23 years old. He had one of the lead "four-footed" roles in "Call of the Wild" and other outdoor productions. His last was Disney's "Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain."
See you at the next rest stop.
Dr. Evil
Why yes, I'm Evil.
