Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. II, No. 3, 10 March 2000
A
Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
ARE
COWS REALLY THAT DUMB? NOT SO, SAYS WELSH FARMER.
Those of us with at least a few rural bones in our bodies have grown up pretty much convince of the stupidity of cows. True, they have the reputation of maintaining particularly vacant facial expressions. But there is one Welsh farmer who has a very special feeling for them, especially Daisy, his favorite. The farmer has a sizable herd of dairy cattle, and one unpredictable and nasty bull. One day while he was working in his pasture, he was viciously attacked by the bull, who commenced to gore and stomp him. Then across the field came his entire dairy herd, led by Daisy. They promptly chased the bull away and formed a crowded circle around the severely injured and semi-conscious farmer, thus preventing further attacks from the bull. On being interviewed, the farmer expressed his undying gratitude to his bovine buddies, especially "Miss Daisy," who had very likely saved his life.
FLEXIBLE
PRICING AT POP (and other) MACHINES.
You may have heard the news that Coca Cola plans to install dispensing machines at which the price of a Coke will be flexible. No doubt, Pepsi isn't far behind. The plan is to automatically adjust prices depending upon the season, day of the week, sales volume, region of the country, and proximity to holidays. Just think of the permutations. While I can't imagine much consequence with regard to pop, candy and cigarette machines, I can predict riots in our streets with regard to the condom dispensing machines guys look for in filling station bathrooms. How un-American! Just imagine the anguish in a guy's heart after racing into the nearest Unical john for a quick fix, only to find that his pair of quarters suddenly won't buy his much desired armor. Too bad it's not Fat Tuesday instead of Ash Wednesday - Saturday instead of Sunday - 3 P.M. instead of 3 A.M. - Hammond, Indiana, instead of Vatican City - Senior Prom instead of Confirmation.
RELIEF
FROM DEPRESSING NEWS
Local news broadcasts are notorious for their penchant for stories detailing the latest murders, robberies, abductions, rapes, kidnappings, and cruelties to animals. National and international newscasts are now devolving into the same routine. I certainly do not think such stories should be ignored. I do believe, however, that the incessant emphasis given to such stories at the expense of pleasant, uplifting, "good" news, leads one to believe that there is no pleasant news out there. For this reason, I have pretty much stopped watching local news. I still hang in there, though, with national and international. Fortunately, TV ads offer a little comic, or at least, interesting relief. A couple of examples follow.
And God Created
. . . Jeep?
With HIS gigantic hands HE crunched together the dust of the universe and created the mountain. Then HE created mountain goats.
- - - and then a panther.
- - - then, by tapping the tips of HIS fingers on the floor of the valley, HE proclaimed HIS boredom. So HE created automobile and called it "Jeep" and placed it on the mountain.
- - - and HE caused it to come down from the mountain.
And all was good.
And another:
He's Got Money
Coming Out The Wazoo.
Scene 1: A somewhat overweight male patient, lying on his belly, is being hurriedly rolled into the Emergency Room. His backside is a bit exposed. Running along side the gurney, a nurse is frantically shouting, "He's got money coming out the wazoo."
Scene 2: In the background, the Emergency Room doctor is examining the patient, still on the gurney and with his backside still somewhat exposed. In the foreground, a "civilian" is interviewing a middle age woman. "Does your husband have insurance," he asks? The doctor overhears him and shouts, "Good heavens man, he's got money coming out the wazoo."
I don't remember what was being advertised.
See you at the next rest stop.
Dr. Evil
Why yes, I'm Evil.
