Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. II, No. 2, 31 January, 2000
A
Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
SLEEPING
SUPERLATIVES, ANYONE?
I saw a great ad for mattresses recently. It presented descriptions and prices for 9 grades of mattresses. They ranged in price from $36 to $699 for twin size and other prices for the full, queen and king sizes, one and two piece sets. The superlatives used in describing them were fantastic. Leaving out the brand name, the cheapest was described simply as the "Firm." Then, in order, from the bottom to the top of the heap, the "Extra Firm," "Luxury Firm," "Extra Firm Pillowtop," "Supreme Pillowtop Firm," "Premium Firm," "Premium Super Firm," "Super Premium Plush Firm," and, finally, at the pinnacle of sleeping perfection, the "Extra Luxury Premium Supreme Super Plush Firm Silk & Wool Pillowtop." Well, almost, but not really.
THE
ACORN CAPER
I keep a haphazard journal. I use those calendars with the big squares so all kinds of information can be written in. I was going through last year's, the other day, looking for income tax related stuff, when I noticed an entry to the effect that our red oak along side our driveway had produced an enormous crop of acorns that year. That jogged my memory. Mrs. Evil and I had collected about a half-bushel of those acorns, intending to dole them out to our squirrelly friends during the hard times of this winter. With all of our recent snow and cold, we decided that there was no time like the present. So Mrs. E plowed her way out to our storage shed to get their first treat. She was laughing as she re-entered the house. The squirrels had beaten us to them. They had gotten in and taken all but about twenty.
SNOW
ICE CREAM
The other day, Mrs. E and I overheard a conversation between our lady barber and another of her customers. The customer was telling her about making ice cream out of snow. I hadn't thought about that "po man's delicacy" for a long, long time. Mrs. E had NEVER heard of it. During childhood winters, when it was fresh and deep, we used to make ice cream out of snow. So as to get a good clean supply, we would first scrape off the top layer of a fairly deep snow bank and dig it out from underneath, being careful not to come too close to ground. As I recall, all we did was mix in some vanilla, sugar and a little bit of milk. Was that good, or WHAT?
FOR
THE GUYS: A TEST OF YOUR POWER OF OBSERVATION
"P. B. Gast and Sons Company!" Does that name sound familiar? It's seen only in the most exclusive places. Usually the name is printed in bold letters on a triangular rubber strainer with rounded corners - and accompanied by well chewed gum, cigarette butts and a glistening cake of deodorizer. You can't miss it - or, if you do, you'll likely get your shoes wet. Have I discovered a completely untapped advertising scenario?
Ladies! I told you that this one was for the guys.
See you at the next rest stop.
Dr. Evil
Why yes, I'm Evil.
