Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. II, No. 10, 23 September 2000
A
Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
THE
WONDERFUL WORLD OF MALAPROPIA
Malapropism! "A usually humorous misapplication of a word: specif: the use of a word sounding somewhat like the one intended but ludicrously wrong in the context" - Webster. The press frequently chides Dubbya for his ventures into this area, but he ain't nuthin compared to the master - former Vice President Dan Quayle. We aren't talking "potato" vs. "potatoe" here, we're talking Big Time. Sharen Shaw Johnson, editorial writer for the Dayton Daily News, is credited with witnessing perhaps the greatest all-time misuse of words. It was made in reference to the United Negro College Fund motto, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." It seems that the Congressional Black Caucus was hosting a reception at the beginning of a UNCF fund drive and to which all kinds of political luminaries were invited. Senator Kennedy was there and signed his name to a large pledge sheet down front. Dan Quayle dutifully followed. It was on this occasion that the famous words were offered. "What a waste it is to lose one's mind," he said with pride. Then, realizing that something was not quite right, he "corrected" himself with, "Or not to have a mind is very wasteful. How true that is." Yes indeed, a mind IS a terrible thing to waste. Or is it that some minds are a terrible waste?
CONNECTIONS?
Drs. Wen Ho Lee and John M. Deutch! There certainly aren't any connections in the James Burke tradition.
John Deutch was director of the CIA from '95 to '96, when he was allowed to gracefully retire. He has admitted to Federal authorities that, during his time at the CIA, he frequently downloaded classified material into a laptop and took it home. The secret files were found in his home after his retirement. His punishment was to voluntarily, that is, in his own sweet time, relinquish his Top-Secret clearance. He finally did so in February, THIS YEAR. This was the extent of his punishment.
His reward was to be appointed Provost at MIT.
It has recently been found that he did the same prior to his CIA days, when he was Under Secretary of Defense and then Deputy Secretary, in the first half of the '90s. Not only did he take classified material home in a laptop, he also carried thousands of pages of classified material copied to a JAZZ-like storage disk around town in his pocket, and he successfully accessed secure Pentagon files from his home, using his personal AOL account.
The Department of Justice has finally decided that this should probably be looked into a little deeper.
- - - - -
Wen Ho Lee was a physicist of Chinese-American descent at Los Alamos. Like Deutch, he also downloaded secret files into a laptop. He also apparently put similar (or the same) material on seven tapes, two of which have been salvaged. Although ignored, witnesses have verified that Lee received help in destroying the others. The Department of Justice charged him with 59 trumped up counts of breaching national security and slapped him into solitary confinement for 259 days pending trial - part of which he was in shackles.
In dismissing 58 of the 59 charges because there was no evidence behind them, U.S. District Judge James Parker has now released Wen Ho Lee, telling him "I sincerely apologize to you, Dr. Lee, for the unfair manner in which you were held in custody by the executive branch."
Of course, Dr. Lee has been fired from his job. At age 60, his life has been ruined. And Bill Richardson, Head of the Department of Energy, said on "60 Minutes" just this last weekend, "We're not through with him yet."
So much for "blind" justice.
WERE
ARE YOU CAPTAIN MARVEL?
Have you looked at the "funnies" lately? They aren't what they use to be. As my daughter recently noted, they no longer deal with subjects about which children have an interest. For example, today's pages deal with the following; two adults complaining about their kids not appreciating surround sound: a guy trying to snag a date over the phone: a dog feeling abandoned because her mistress is going out on a date: the misadventures of a highschooler: two Army officers sitting at the bar discussing the sayings of Yogi Berra: a boss discovering that one of his employees has taken an unauthorized absence from work: a caveman ordering a "diet" martini (that is, without an olive): a barfly planning his weekend of loafing: a satire on commercial aircraft seat leg room: confusion over the use of "internal" versus "eternal:" two babies, who, although they apparently can't talk, are nevertheless discussing how soon they will gain bladder control: stale food in a restaurant: the latest in office politics: the potential that hospitals might stop honoring medicare (honestly): and last but not least, the politics of property development (really). None, by my estimate, would be of interest whatsoever to an eight-year-old.
In a recent edition of The New Republic, Brian Groh discusses the same problem with regard to movie matinees featuring such cartoon heroes as Batman, Superman and Spider Man. The audiences are primarily composed of adults rather than "snickering teenage voices, popping gum, and crinkling candy wrappers." And what about Comic Books? How long has it been since you've seen those onomatopoeic greats like "Thwack" or "Kaboom?" How about "Zaaaap" and "Splatttt?" Then there was " Karunch" and "Zinggggg." I suspect these great vocabulary builders are gone forever. And no more superheroes defending a moral universe that places great value on "attributes other than braggadocio and bullying, a universe in which characters struggle for truth and justice against tremendous odds."
And what do we end up with? The World Wrestling Federation.
BROWNISH
YELLOW PAGES
I was looking in the Yellow Pages the other day for local auto towing services and noticed the following ad: "Stinky's Towing - When Your Car Runs Like Do-Do."
See you at the next rest stop.
Dr. Evil
Why yes! I'm Evil.
