Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. II, No. 1, 15 January, 2000
A
Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
GOIN'
SOUTH OR "CONNECTIONS" NOT OF THE JAMES BURKE GENRE
There it was, a week or so before Thanksgiving, a great big turkey, grazing in our side yard. Why is that more than just a seasonal note? Well, other than the fact that I have never seen wild turkeys inside our Village limits, it turns out that Mrs. Evil wanted some corn stalks for holiday decorations. What's the connection, you ask? Well, she had earlier inquired at a nearby farm to ask if they could spare some corn stalks. After she obtained permission, she and the farmer's 6-year old son set about the task of cutting them from the field. Then she noticed that there was a turkey tramping around in the yard, unfenced. "Free as a bird" , as they say. (Ughh!!) On inquiry, she was told by the farmer that they had had wild turkeys around for years and that the current turkey's mate had disappeared about a year before. A few days later, there one was in our side yard. Mrs. E made some fast phone calls attempting to find some game and wildlife type to rescue the bird. Then, while I attempted to corral the gobbler, she hopped into the car and drove over to the same farmer' s house to see if it was his. I wasn't about to tackle the bird. He could have probably taken off and carried me into the next county. By the time Mrs. E, the farmer, the farmer's daughter, and the farmer's 6-year old son arrived, I had worked the bird into a corner of our back yard. The farmer was armed with a big cloth sack. Mrs. E was armed with her camera. After certifying that the turkey was likely one of his, the sack was quickly zipped over it. (Turkeys become very docile when treated this way. ) We chatted for a while and the farmer family plus turkey went home. After the photos were developed, Mrs. E revisited the farmer to give copies to her new 6-year old pal. She learned that right after the wandering turkey was returned home he and its buddy took off together. The happy couple were last seen goin' south for the winter alongside a nearby highway. Let's hope they survived the holiday.
TRUTH
IN ADVERTISING? WE ASKED FOR IT.
Don't you kind of wonder about some of the prescriptive drugs advertised on TV? The potential side effects are more scary than the medical condition they're supposed to remedy. You've seen them. They go something like this:"Panaxavir" from Sunshine Pharmaceuticals. The latest in inter-digital hair removal. Just one swipe and it's gone. Side effects may include but not limited to: inter-ocular bleeding leading to blindness, hyperactive kidney with sequelae including explosive incontinence, liver destruction, total blood coagulation, and finger and toe drop-off. Do not take this product if you like to wear rings or have, expect to or ever want to have children. This product is not for everyone. Do not use if, in the previous six months, you have taken an aspirin, had a headache, or stubbed your toe."
See you at the next rest stop.
Dr. Evil
Why yes, I'm Evil.
