Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. III, No. 7, 1 July 2001
A Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
WHEN
THE LIGHTS GO OUT IN CALIFORNIA
The TV news item featured one of the many recent power blackouts in California. Did they cover the potential disasters that might occur in hospital emergency and operating rooms, the loss of power at busy railroad crossings, the potential for people being trapped in elevators, coal mines or subways, or mid-air collisions over LAX? Nope! The featured "disaster" involved one (I say, ONE) merchant, a tattoo/body piercing guy lamenting over how difficult it is to see well enough to ply his trade when the lights go out.
Well, I guess so.
SKILLS
REPORTED ON A RESUMÉ
The White House interviewer peered over his glasses at the young man. "As Special Advisor to the President, you must have a broad range of expertise. I see by your resumé that you have had military experience."
"Yes, Sir. F-14, Army Men Advance, Fortress, and F-Zero: Maximum Velocity."
"Hmmmm. Both the Army and the Navy. That's unusual. So, you were in both?"
"Yes Sir."
"I assume Fortress was Army."
"Yes Sir."
"I'm not familiar with the F-Zero."
"That's an advance Albanian/Japanese fighter."
"You also appear to have quite an interest in sports."
"Yes Sir. Super Dodge Ball Advance, Ready 2 Rumble 2, GT Advance Championship Racing, Krazy Racers, Fire Pro Wrestling, and Hot Potato."
"My goodness! All that? What's Hot Potato?"
"Sir, that's slang for hockey."
"Hockey? Hot Potato for hockey?"
"Yes Sir."
"I presume from some of your entries here that you must have been an astronaut - Pinobee: Wings of Adventure, Castlevania: Circle the Moon, Chu Chu Rocket?
"Yes Sir - and Iridium 3D."
"Iridium 3D? I'm not familiar with that one, either."
"That's intergalactic, Sir."
"Wow! Must be one of those new secret NASA programs . . . and you've traveled some."
"Yes Sir. Pitfall: The Mayan Adventure and Tweety and the Magic Gems."
"Tweety?"
"Yes Sir! Aloysius Tweety, curator of the Namco Museum."
"Namco Museum?"
"Czechoslovakia, Sir."
"Oh Yes . . . and all these Pokemon entries: Pokemon Stadium 2, Pokemon Gold, Pokemon Silver, Pokemon Red, and Pokemon Yellow Special Pikachu Edition. What are those?"
"Oh those! They're just Game Boys."
"Well, young man, it would appear that you are over qualified. Would you consider a higher level position?"
THE
MYSTERY OF THE FLOATING STRAW
You know how, after sitting for a while, that plastic straw in the pop can would float upward through the hole and eventually fall out? It didn't use to do that. So, what happened? Well, I found another screwball who worries about things like that.
His name is Nicholson Baker. He's an author. Alexander Star reviewed some of his writings in a recent edition of The New Republic. Baker "speculates that the world changed suddenly sometime around 1970 . . . when 'all the major straw vendors switched from paper to plastic straws, and we entered that uncomfortable era of the floating straw.' How did this come about? Presumably the engineers had supposed that because a plastic straw weighed more than a paper straw, it . . . would rest on the bottom of a can. But the engineers were wrong. They had forgotten that paper straws were more porous than their plastic cousins, and therefore, 'soaked up a little of the Coke as ballast.' As a result of this miscalculation, the 'quality of life . . . went down an eighth of a notch, until just last year, I think, when one day I noticed that a plastic straw, made of some subtler polymer, with a colored stripe in it, stood anchored to the bottom of my can!'"
I feel better now.
See you at the next rest stop.
Dr. Evil
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