Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. III, No. 6, 4 June 2001
A Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
THE MASTER CRAPPER TESTERS
One of the funniest op ed pieces I have read in recent years appeared in the June 3rd (Sunday) edition of the Dayton Daily. The fact that I liked it so much is no doubt because I have yet to outgrow my childish appreciation for bathroom humor. The article is titled, "Toilet testers strive to come out No. 2," by Dave Barry. Mr. Barry precedes his article with "Do not read this column if you are eating, or plan to eat ever again." After that, how can one resist.
He reminds us that, in 1992, Congress passed a law limiting toilet flushes to 1.6 gallons of water each. They obviously didn't have anything more important to do. Ever since then our new wimpy toilettes have been pathologically flush challenged, that is, unable to dispose of a full load. They can handle No. 1 OK, but not No. 2. Because of the requirement that he be "tasteful," the author refers to No. 2 as "Geraldo." As you know, a really healthy Geraldo, composed of bountiful quantities of both floaters and sinkers, requires up to three flushes - a greater waste than Congress anticipated.
The National Association of Home Builders is trying to design a throne that can operate dependably using such a small amount of water. While visiting their testing facility, Dave was informed that the best test material was developed by the Toto Toilet Company, of where else but Japan. It is composed of fermented bean curd. (What better use could be made of bean curd?) It apparently looks just like real Geraldo.
As a demonstration for Mr. Barry, one of the test engineers grabbed handfuls of the stuff and formed "10 incredibly lifelike Puff Daddies" and clogged up the test commode.
I have obviously misspent my entire career - wasting my time and effort in aircraft cockpits. I could have been a great Master Crapper Tester.
DETERMINATION
I was waiting to pick up my
car at my favorite automobile clinic when I noticed, just outside the door, a
sparrow flying into and out of the end of the rusty back bumper on an old
pickup truck parked just outside. "How long has that pickup been parked
there," I asked.
"Would you believe a year and a half? said the head man.
"Well, I believe there's a bird building a nest inside the end of it's rear bumper," says I.
"Yeh, I've noticed them flying around out there, but that's nothing," he added. "Now, I'm goin' to tell you a story. I swear to God it's true."
I waited.
"A couple years ago, an old customer brought his pickup in because it was runnin' very rough. Now, understand, this guy drove that pickup every day. He says, 'I don't understand it. It's suddenly runnin' so dang rough.'"
"First thing I did was take off the air intake and filter - and, would you believe it, there was a bird nest inside. I cleaned it out and sent him on his way. Then about a year later he came in again with the same problem."
"'I just don't understand it. It's happened again. The dang thing runs so rough.'"
"I took the air intake off again and, would you believe it, this time there were TWO bird nests inside - and he was still driving that truck every day."
Those demon birds. Too bad Alfred Hitchcock isn't around any more. This could be a sequel to his "The Birds." Is Tippy Hedron still out there?
See you at the next rest stop.
Dr. Evil
Why yes, I'm Evil.
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