Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. III, No. 5, 1 May 2001
A Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
THE
37 1/2 PERCENT (3/8) SOLUTION
As I approached the counter to pay for my gasoline, the attention of the
two women attendants was drawn toward the pump area. I announced,
“I’ll bet you’re admiring my wife’s big old beautiful 1979 Buick Park
Avenue, aren’t you?”
“No, there’s a wolf in the back of that
guy’s car,” one said.
‘Yeh, sure,’ I thought to myself.
On my way out, I saw the beast and said to
the driver, who was still pumping gas, “The women inside think your dog looks
like a wolf.”
“Well, yes, she is part wolf, but I
hesitate telling people about her. She’s 3/8 wolf and the rest black German
Shepherd.”
I took another look at her. She was indeed
“wolfish.” A really big and impressive animal, very dark gray, with wild
blue-green eyes. “How is she as a pet,” I asked?
“She’s actually quite good - a little
distant, though. Sometimes I think she couldn’t care less if she did or didn't
have human friends.”
On the way home, I got to thinking. How does
one come by a 3/8 wolf? A half is easy. So is ¼. I decided to submit the
problem to my Scientific Panel. After careful consideration, they have decided
that the fastest way is as follows. Cross a dog with a wolf. The offspring will
be half wolf – half dog. Breed one of these back with a wolf. That will
produce offspring that will be ¼ dog – ¾ wolf. Cross one of these offspring
with a dog and the offspring will be 3/8 wolf, 5/8 dog.
Ahhhhh, science! Now, this information is
surely worth at least twice the cost of your subscription to “On the Road with
Dr. Evil.”
Right?
Right!
MIXED
SIGNALS?
One of the pieces shown on CBS' "Sunday Morning" telecast on 29 April featured a wild Italian photographer who gathered together 20 to 30 adult men and women of all sizes, shapes and ages in the town square, had them all strip down to their birthday suits and "lounge" together on the cobblestone pavement for a group portrait. They were all instructed to lie down and face away from the camera - and be "at ease." The television editor obviously made sure that all titilating material (pun intended) ended up on the cutting room floor or was masked out with those funny little blinking multicolored squares. The final scene was of the entire group, much as the still photographer saw them, but taken from about a quarter of a mile away. Would you believe it. Even at that great distance, from which the people looked like so many pink body pillows, they were still hidden behind a patch of those fuzzy little bleeping squares. I'm certain that, even on close inspection, one would not be able to say with certainty that they were people, let alone ID their sex.
Then we have the likes of Jennifer Lopez (and others) at the recent Academy Awards Ceremony, with her filmy see-through blouse. No little blinking squares here. ("Since I've seen so much of you, dear, I feel I know you quite well. May I call you Jenny?") There was neither an attempt to "cover" her nor any hesitation to "cover" her. Huh? (Oh, by the way, I think she is a little asymmetrical.)
And we reward Madonna. On a recent David Letterman show, she was irritated that he wanted to talk about some of her risqué music videos. She says she's a mother now and that's all behind her. Then her latest was released, which turned out to so violent and suggestive that several TV stations refused to show it. Of course, it's selling like hotcakes. What a sweet Mum. By the way, did you see that they auctioned off her famous pointy bra for about $30,000. And to think she's Briteny Spears' idol. (I can't help it if she doesn't know how to spell her name.)
I guess I'm just getting old and cranky.
- AND ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE
I came across a quotation taken from Henry Beston's, "The Outermost House," several years ago. It seems especially poignant, in view of the many visions of bovine Hell that have been coming from the British countryside in recent months.
"For the animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours they move finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren, they are not underlings; they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendor and travail of the earth."
See you at the next rest stop.
Dr. Evil
Why yes, I'm Evil.
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