Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
On the Road with DR. EVIL
Vol. III, No. 10, 1 October 2001
A Missive of Irregular Frequency
and Questionable Worth
THE
REAL REASON?
We have all been affected by the horrific events of 11 September. I cannot add to what has already been said by those much more eloquent and knowledgeable than I - that is, except for the following.
Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson have offered their explanations for these terrorist attacks against the United States in the 15 September issue of the Dayton Daily News, in an article entitled, "Robertson, Falwell: America has lost God's protection." Robertson allows as how "God Almighty is lifting his protection from us. We . . . have been consumed by the pursuit of . . . health, wealth, material pleasures and sexuality."
If that weren't enough, Falwell, blames the attacks on "pagans, abortionists, feminists, homosexuals, the American Civil Liberties Union and the People for the American Way. . . All of them who have tried to secularize America. I point [my] finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.'"
Does that mean fornicators are off the hook?
Sounds like the ranting of another "man of the cloth" in the news. His manifest goal is the destruction of the United States - to kill as many Americans as possible - because we support Israel, we have desecrated the soil of his homeland, Saudi Arabia, by our presence there during the Gulf War, and ALSO, as with Falwell, because we are a secular state. Who's that? - Osama bin Laden and his Afghanistani thuggish protectors, the Taliban.
Postscripts: In the 18 September Dayton Daily, Falwell apologized. Robertson wasn't heard from. The 19 September edition included 5 Letters to the Editor regarding the Robertson/Falwell analyses of the World Trade Center/Pentagon attacks. Titles were as follows: 'Falwell, Robertson take demoralizing approach,' 'Robertson, Falwell comments irresponsible,' 'Preachers' fanaticism resembles terrorists,' 'Do TV evangelists believe in same God?', 'Falwell, Robertson guilty of fanaticism.' No supportive ones were reported.
On the 19th Mike Peters portrayed Osama bin Falwell in his political cartoon of the day.
Conventional Wisdom in the October 1 issue of Newsweek awarded Falwell a "Down Arrow" with the comment: "Blames attack on pro-choicers, gays, ACLU. Pat Robertson concurs.
How un-American."
TREES
DON'T GROW ON MONEY
One of the latest of a seemingly endless parade of petty little crises that continuously roll through my little town involves two big old Osage Orange trees growing up close and too personal to a local watering hole. The owner is being threatened with losing her liability insurance because the trees represent a potential danger, not just to the building, but, of course, to occupants sitting and minding their own business, calmly sipping their beer, if they are blown down or fall down from old age. A "Save Ye Olde Trees" committee is being formed. Up in arms they are, that the owner has to cut them down to save her business. The building is of local historical significance, having been constructed of squared-off logs in about 1850 and, according to local legend, served as a "station" in the underground railroad during the Civil War. I haven't yet heard anyone report that the trees were planted by Harriet Elizabeth Beecher-Stowe, but somehow I expect to. I drove through town later when the trees were being cut down. A picket across the street was carrying a sign saying "Trees Don't Grow on Money." Whazat you say?
RONALD
McDONALD'S McDUFFERS
I'm not ashamed to admit that I really like McDonald's Sausage McMuffin with Egg breakfast sandwich. Whenever I am in the vicinity of a McDonalds before 10:30 a.m., when they stop serving breakfast, I will often drop in for one of these cholesterol building missiles. On such occasions, I have almost always found the dining area overrun with old duffers beating their gums over coffee. A couple of weeks ago I was indulging in this weakness when I noticed a group of four old guys seated around a table with their coffees, in the middle of an animated and heated discussion. "That may be true of the old C-130 but it ain't for the C-141 and sure as hell not for the C-5A," one said with great energy. Because of the subject matter and the proximity of Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, they had to have been retired aircraft mechanic types. Only once did they reduce the heat of their conversation. That was when a young couple and child finished their meal at a nearby table and departed. Suddenly the four philosophers got up and moved to the abandoned table. Obviously, the couple had been using THEIR spot. A McDonald employee walked by and I asked her about them. She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Oh yeh! They're here every morning about 7:30." "How long do they stay," I asked? "They're here 'till about 11:30 - and, would you believe it, they're back at 3:00."
At first I thought about how great it is to have so many buddies at that age. Then I wondered if they had any kind of home life.
See you at the next rest stop.
Dr. Evil
Why yes, I'm Evil.
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