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Dr. Evil's Journal of Unlikely Research
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Vol. I, 1 November 2000
MICROWORLDS
AROUND US
It has long been believed that we are not alone in our universe. In our efforts to find other life forms, we have built giant electromagnetic receivers in the hope that we might detect signals from these potentially advanced civilizations in outer space. Witness the huge effort at Arecibo, Puerto Rico. While this program is not completely unreasonable, it is highly likely that the reason we have not had success has been in looking outward, only, to find evidence of other beings. Is it possible that we have been focusing our attention in the wrong direction?
It has long been suspected that our universe is but one in a continuum of universes. It is easy to assume that ours is at the end of this continuum. But what if this is not the case? What if our solar system with its nine satellites is but an atom, comparable, say, to Sulfur? (Since some free gases, such as Oxygen, are usually found in pairs, we would have to consider them as binary systems.) Is it possible that an intelligent form of life is peering through the equivalent of our electron microscope and examining our "atom" - or one nearby, say, in the Andromeda constellation?
There is scientific and anecdotal evidence that there are systems similar to ours in miniscule universes and that we have overlooked evidence of their existence for thousands of years. Fortunately, we have unwittingly uncovered evidence of its existence with the development of the Atomic Theory. We have named the simplest and smallest such system "Hydrogen," not realizing that one such "atom" could, indeed, be a miniscule "solar system" with but one planet.
Could it be that, at the center of the Hydrogen atom, there is a "Sun," differing little from our own, except in size. Could it also be that, on this single planet, orbiting around some Hydrogen "sun," there is life?
Perhaps.
Because of its great reactivity, however, Hydrogen is not the most promising of such systems to search for other forms of life.
So, where should we look?
At first blush, it would be easy to assume that we must look into a much larger system, such as Mercury or, perhaps even Uranium, with their numerous proto-planets in several orbits around their suns.
However, to be more conservative, perhaps it would be best to concentrate our attention on a small system such as Helium. With only two planets, Helium does not benefit from the advantageous protection offered by larger planets in outer orbits, such as Earth has in Jupiter, Neptune, Uranus, and Saturn, but it is a stable and relatively non-reactive system and should serve well in our initial investigation.
For convenience, I will continue to refer to it by the name "Helium," but appreciating that it is likely much more - immeasurably more. I propose that we refer to one of its planets as "Goofy," the other "Minnie," in honor of one of their fictional best friends, the most remote of Earth's companions, Pluto. Could there be living beings on Goofy or Minnie? If so, how many? What do they look like? Are they sentient? Do they have an advanced civilization? Would it be possible to contact them?
After an exhaustive search, I have found research and anecdotal reports that support the possibility of life on planets in some Helium systems. Some efforts were envisioned to serve other purposes. However, when melded together in light of our theory - - - well, let us see what the only conclusion can be.
The Evidence:
A Fateful Evening at La Teberna del
Viejo Camino
Were it not for an alert but unknown newspaper reporter, an inconspicuous statement made by 20-year-old youth named Fidel Castro-Ruz, included in an otherwise inconsequential op-ed piece, headline "El Rey de la Rumba en nuestro Salon de Baile Local" (King of the Rumba at Local Dance Hall), important evidence of intelligent life in microworlds would have been lost to our investigation. The article is from El Chisme Diario, dated August 14, 1948. Francisco de Asis Javier Cugat Mingall de Bru y Deluefeo (Xavier Cugat) and his Orchestra was featured at the famous La Teberna del Viejo Camino. A short interview with Mr. Castro-Ruz was reported in the article. "It was my 21st birthday," said Castro-Ruz. "I had gone to the tavern to celebrate. There were helium-filled balloons all over the ceiling. At the end of the evening many of them began to, how you say, 'Pop?' Yes! Pop! That's it. My English is good, si? Anyway, as the balloons popped, I could hear little teeny tiny voices, teeny weeny tiny voices, screaming in glee, 'We're free.' Over and over, 'We're free.' 'At last, we're free.' It was very confusing at first. Then I realized that it was an omen. I should heed this omen and come to the aid of my fellow Cubans. I will go into the mountains. I must overthrow Batista and free my fellow countrymen from his tyranny."
Until now, as far as we knew, the rest is history.
While Mr. Castro seized the moment to further his political agenda, we in micro-world research now realize that these were, indeed, the voices of millions of beings crying out in their joy at being released from imprisonment in all those damned balloons.
What's in a "Blink" of an
Eye?
In his April 1, 1995, article, "Curiosities of the Micro-World," Dr. Purvis Gruntly, noted electron microscope analyst, reported that, while examining the Helium System with his Fulminating Reverse Orbit Scanner, he noted that one of its satellites "winked" at him. After considerable effort, I located Dr. Gruntly and ask him what he meant by "winked." He smiled and said, "Well, I didn't actually see an eyeball, if that's what you're driving at."
He attempted several gestures with his hands, especially digit #3, but due to their confinement within a strangely tailored rubber shirt with its sleeves tied together behind him, he was unable to convey his full meaning.
Change in Voice Revealing
Most of us have witnessed the elevation in one's voice after inhaling the lungs full of helium. Until recently, it has been presumed that this was due only to the difference in density of the helium, thus causing the vocal cords to vibrate differently as the gas passed over them, as opposed to the nitrogen, oxygen and carbon dioxide mix found in the air we normally breath. "Not true," reports Herr Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Claus von Gulpenquickendownen und Schpittzenoutzenschlagen, in his article, titled "The Linguistics of Helium Induced Speech."
"If the imbiber always spoke intelligibly, it would not be significant. However, occasionally the language sounds only vaguely familiar. Although we are not able to understand it, we have, through recordings, been able to distinguish a secondary sound wave carried by the high pitched human voice. The sound waves of the human voice are being used as a carrier wave for this secondary voice. By canceling out the carrier wave, we are able to distinguish that secondary voice." Herr Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. G. und S. was able to extract and reproduce one of those speech segments as follows:
"iiiiffffyyyyoooouuuuaaaarrrreeeetttthhhheeeellllaaaassssttttoooonnnneeee ttttoooolllleeeeaaaavvvveeeebbbbeeeessssuuuurrrreeeettttoooottttuuuurrrr nnnntttthhhheeeelllliiiigggghhhhttttssssoooouuuutttt."
Scientists are working diligently to decipher the message. The Microworld Research community is convinced that it is yet another message from the Helium System.
Do we need more evidence?
Dr. Evil
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