Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy

SPECIAL EDITION

The Best of: On the Road with DR. EVIL

From Vol. VI, Nos. 1 - 12, 2004

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January 1, 2005

A Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth

2003  PREDICITIONS BY SAFIRE

The following predictions for 2003 appeared in What news will 2003 bring? William Safire, Dayton Daily News, 2 Jan. 2003 .

"To cope with North Korea, the U.S. will convince Beijing that its tolerance of proliferation would tempt Taiwan to build its own nuclear 'equalizer.'”
    Nope! No such temptation on the part of Taiwan - and, so as not to disappoint corporate America, we turned our back on them.

"War on Saddam starts on schedule, between Lincoln’s Birthday and Valentine’s Day." 
     It actually started on March 19th. Valentine's Day fell on February 14th, so that was pretty
close.

"Saddam’s army will fight fiercely until they see the Turkish army coming." 
    The Turkish army didn’t come and Saddam’s army didn’t fight. Instead, the entire Iraqi 51st Division and its top officers surrendered en masse. Others simply faded into the desert.

"Fallout from an overthrow of Saddam will be:
(a) the emergence of a democratic alternative to Arafat in the West Bank."
    Although Arafat has been somewhat eclipsed, he still is the man to be reckoned with. 

"(b) uprising in Syria and Assad’s withdrawal from Lebanon."
    Didn't even come close.

"(c) wave of reform shaking the theocracy in Iran."
    This one didn't make it either. The only shakin' goin' on was in Bad, 7.4 on the Richter scale. 

"(d) decline in Wahhabi-induced terror as nervous Saudi royals turn westward for protection." 
    While the Saudis have turned somewhat in our direction, the did order our military out of the country. Lot's of conflicting actions taken by the Saudis. 

"Osama bin Laden will be sold out by a trusted supporter for the huge reward." 
    The reward goes unclaimed.

"When Chief Justice Rehnquist resigns this summer, Bush will promote Scalia to chief and nominate a not-too-conservative Latino to the bench." 
    Didn't happen. Rehnquist is still going strong and no new nominees came into view. 

All of which shows goes to show you, it just ain't that easy. Even William Safire, the renowned columnist and former Nixon speech writer, can't predict events any better than Dr. Evil. 

As examples, see Vol. V, No. 1.

EDITORIAL CARTOONS: 

A LOOK BACK AT TWELVE UNDER-REPORTED STORIES of 2003

 

JANUARY 


By John Trever, Albuquerque, NM, 01/26/03

                                                             - THE OBIT

FEBRUARY 


By Nick Anderson, Louisville Courier-Journal, Louisville, KY, 02/17/03.

                                         - THE RECORD

MARCH


By Walt Handelsman, Newsday, 03/19-03.

                                                                 - THAT SECOND CAREER

APRIL


By James Casciari, Scripps-Howard, 04/28/03.

                                                    - THE SCOOP

 

MAY


By Lalo Alcaraz, L.A. Weekly, Los Angeles, CA, 05/11/03.

                                                        - THE SUPPORT
                                    - A LITTLE SATIRE

 

JUNE


By Larry Wright, Detroit News, 06/04/03.

                                                   - THE REAL SKINNY


JULY


By Ares, Mexico/Cuba, 07/14/03.

                                                 - THE SAD TALE
                                                 - ANOTHER VIEW

 

AUGUST


By Mike Thompson, The Detroit Free Press, 08/21/03.

                                 - VIEWS FROM SPACE

SEPTEMBER


By Paul Conrad, Los Angeles Times, 09/04/03.

                    - AFRICA'S TRAGEDY
                           - HELPING HANDS
                          - THE LATEST NEWS

 

OCTOBER


By Ann Telnaes, Tribune Media Services, 10/19/03.

                      - A CRITIQUE FROM THE C.R.P.S.

 

NOVEMBER


 By Dick Wrignt, Columbus Dispatch, OH, 11/04/02

                                                                       - A CRITIQUE         
                                                            - WEIRD COMMENTS
                    

DECEMBER


By Bill Schorr, United Media, 12-09-03.

                                                       - THE REAL POOP

THE ULTIMATE GIFT FOR THE ULTIMATE COUCH POTATO

Before battery-powered wrist watches came along, we were enamored with the self-winding variety. We were happy that we no longer had to remember to wind our watches every day. (Boy, what a chore.) The ultimate critique of laziness was accusing someone of not being active enough to keep his self-winding watch running. All one had to do, of course, was move the arm occasionally to keep the watch wound.

Well!! (As Jack Benny use to say) I have found the ultimate gift for the ultimate couch potato. Among the many catalogs we receive in the mail, I noticed one from Gadget Universe. It actually looked kind of interesting so I thumbed through it. As is frequently the case, shapely female models were used profusely to attract one's attention to various items - other than motor cycles and SnapOn tools. They were posed beside, holding or using, such sexy items as an Artificial Fish Tank, a hand-held rechargeable 9-LED Warning Sign and Torchlight, an Autoban Self-Tuning Universal Car Alarm Remote Control, a Digital Pen Spy Camera, a Transform UR-Voice Disguiser, and fondling a Huge Black Forest Cuckoo Clock. 

Then I saw it, as I said, the ultimate gift for the ultimate couch potato - and it wasn't even accompanied by a shapely female model. Something you've always wanted: a Steinhausen Burl-wood Quad Automatic Watch Winder Case. Yes, a device to keep your self-winding watches wound. The following was part of the hype: "Over the years, collectors of Steinhausen automatic timepieces have requested a Quad Automatic Watch Winder box crafted of luxurious burl-wood. After more than 2 years in development, the wait is finally over. Hundreds of prototypes fell by the wayside until this incredible design emerged. [Yeh, sure.] With Subtle bowed slides made of polished burl-wood, craftsmen then applied 18 layers of high gloss piano finish. The result is a mirror finish capable of reflecting your image. The interior is no less impeccable with simulated soft cream calf hide lining. The four watch pedestals rotate inside burl-wood rings. A Lucite window in the lid allows for a wide dust free viewing area. Two additional compartments have been built into the front of the case with viewing window. The motors run silently as they keep four of your finest automatic timepieces constantly wound and ready at  a moments notice. The burl-wood watch winder case you've been waiting for is finally here." 

It cost only $299.95. 

And just think! You can sit on your couch in your "potato" best persona and watch your self-winding watches being wound. 

 

My Kind a Book

As Mrs. Evil can testify, I am an expert at goofing off. I have acquired a special talent for doing nothing. So, when I saw this review of a very special book, I felt that I had arrived. The book? How to be Idle, by Tom Hodgkinson, Hamish Hamilton; £12.99. (That's about $23.75.) The review appeared in the October 16, 2004 issue of The Economist.

It would appear that Mr. Hodgkinson has made it his career to be an idler. Yet, as stated in the review, "If writing is hard work, writing about idleness is doubly so: ... ." Hodgkinson also edits the Idler, which is, of course, dedicated to inactivity. As you might expect, like On the Road with Dr. Evil, it also is a missive of infrequent frequency - published only twice a year.

The author "wants you to rediscover life at a slower pace: sleeping in, staring at the stars, and allowing yourself the sozzled pleasures of a three-hour lunch."

I feel redeemed.
 

See you at the next rest stop.

Dr. Evil

Why yes! I'm Evil.

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