Ironically, the only high ranking moderating voice is that of a former Army general, now Secretary of State, Colin Powell.

IN MEMORIAL

In view of the Columbia tragedy on 1 February, it is not fitting to issue this month's edition of Dr. Evil's brand of inconsequentia as though it was just another day. So, consider this a moment of silence in remembrance of these seven astronauts who, thinking they were at the end of a successful flight, met such horrendous and terrible deaths. 

They were:

Rick D. Husband, Colonel, U.S. Air Force, Commander
William C. McCool, Commander, U.S. Navy, Pilot
David M. Brown, Captain, U.S. Navy, Mission Specialist
Laurel B. Clark, Commander, U.S. Navy, Mission Specialist
Kalpana Chawla, Aerospace Engineer, Mission Specialist
Michael P. Anderson, Lt. Colonel, U.S. Air Force, Payload Commander
Ilan Ramon, Colonel, Israeli Air Force, Payload Specialist

Scott Stantis, AL, The Birmingham News

THE AMERICAN GLADIATOR

Some weeks ago, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeldius Gluteus Maximus Pompositus,* railed mightily against re-instituting the draft because, in his opinion, draftees are undesirable military prospects - not as dedicated, intelligent, etc. as volunteers - and the equipment used by today's military is too advanced for them. 

I was drafted into the Army during the final stages of the Korean "conflict." I suppose the only stupid thing about it was allowing myself to be drafted in the first place. I had been offered a permanent deferment if I would accept a teaching position in Frankfort, Ky. After basic training, I was assigned to the 5th Cavalry Regiment of the 1st Cavalry Division in Camp Chitose, Hokkaido, Japan, right after it had been decimated by the Chinese army and was withdrawn from the Korean peninsula. 

The only day-to-day difference between RAs (Regular Army volunteers) and USs (Draftees) that I noticed was that more of the RAs were drunks and were, for that and other reasons, usually under company punishment and restricted to the company area.  Also, as company clerk, I expended much of my prowess with the typewriter, such as it was, in preparing the paperwork for undesirable discharges and Summary and Special Courts Martial against various RAs. None, that I remember, against USs. 

Since no one in the upper echelon of this Republican administration has served on active duty in the military, I fear that they not speaketh with first-hand knowledge regarding draftees. Such an attitude is unforgivable. Our military suffered 291,557 battle deaths in World War II, 33,686 in Korea and 47,410 in S.E. Asia, a total of 372,653 in these three wars.** The total non-mortal woundings for all of these conflicts was 1,687,877.  Grand total battle deaths and non-mortal woundings, 2,060,530 - as many as 70% of whom were draftees. 

I'm sure that the millions of mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, children, brothers, and sisters are comforted by that kind of attitude. Yeh, sure!

* A take-off of a similar moniker given him by Maureen Dowd, in her op-ed piece, "Much to be learned from ancient empires," Dayton Daily, March 6, 2003. 

** Source of statistics: http://www.hadit.com/library/statistics/americaswars.htm 

IT'S MARTINI TIME

What is a martini?

Webster defines it "dryly" as follows: "mar-ti-ni \ mär'tēnē, må'-, -ni \ also martini cocktail n -s sometimes cap M [prob. fr. the name Martini]: a cocktail consisting of two or more parts gin to one of dry vermouth usu. stirred with ice and garnished with an olive, pearl onion, or slice of lemon peel." 

But it's not quite that simple. 

Between 1966 and 1975, Webster became a heretic when, in an attempt to appeal to the college crowd, he added "also: one made with vodka instead of gin." 

Barnaby Conrad III says this: "You might make a drink, made with Vodka, but it's NOT a Martini. Only Gin can make a Martini!"

Winston Churchill drank his Martinis with gin only, and a twist of lemon. He bowed to France in honor of the absent vermouth. Alfred Hitchcock preferred his gin uncluttered by the taste of vermouth. Instead, he would tap the side of the shaker with the vermouth bottle. 

Purists drink theirs "straight up." I guess I'm not a purist.

Satirical poet and short-story writer, Dorothy Parker, wrote the following about Martinis.

I like to have a Martini
Two at the very most --
After three I'm under the table,
After four I'm under my host. 

Historically, I've preferred the conventional 2 to 1 gin to vermouth (with an extra olive for Mrs. Evil) over a few rocks. Lately, though, I have joined up with Churchill and Hitchcock and frequently deleted the vermouth. I have found that the addition of a few drops of Pernod, Frangelico, Sambvca Romana, or Grand Marnier is quite tasty. 

But, I digress. 

The Plymouth Gin web site includes the following:

 Ode to the Martini.

"The Horse and Mule live thirty years
And nothing know of wines or beers.
The Goat and Sheep at twenty die,
But never tasted Scotch or Rye .
The Cow drinks water by the ton
And at eighteen is almost done.

The Dog at fifteen cashes in,
Without the aid of Rum or Gin.
The Cat in milk and water soaks,
And then in twelve short years it croaks.
The useful, sober bone-dry hen,
Lays eggs for Nogs and dies at ten.

All animals are strictly dry,
Teetotal live and quickly die,
But sinful Plymouth Gin-full men,
Survive for three score years and ten.
And some of us (though mighty few),
Stay pickled till we're ninety-two. "

Barnaby Conrad III allows as how,

"One Martini is not enough. 
Two Martinis is too much. 
Three Martinis is not enough."

Huh?

Then there's the Medicinal Martini, the one I have at 5 or 5:30 some afternoons to delete the aches and pains in my old body after a day of greater-than-usual physical activity. But to qualify as "medicinal" it must be at least 5 to 1 - and no drops of liqueur. They are life savers. They make the labor worthwhile.

Sources: Webster's 1966 Third New International Dictionary, and the1975 New Collegiate Dictionary, both published by G. & C. Merriam Co.: www.plymouthgin.com: The Cocktail Book - A Sideboard for Gentlemen, Neill and Co., Edinburgh: The Martini, by Barnaby Conrad III.

AN OFFER EVEN I FOUND EASY TO REFUSE

I recently turned down an offer to make a cool $3,300,000. It came in the form of an e-mail from a Mr. Henry Ugwumba. As detailed in his message, Henry proposed to enter into a business relationship with me. He says he is 16 years of age, the only child of a businessman from the Ivory Coast. His mom and pop are deceased. His pop was a highly successful cocoa merchant who was poisoned by his business associate. Before dad died, he drew Henry to his bedside and informed him of his riches and that he, Henry, was to receive all his fortune, a sum of $16,500,000. The dough was supposedly in a "suspense" account in a bank in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso*, and that Henry should seek a foreign partner in a country of his choice to whom he would transfer the money and, later, use if for investment purposes.

Naturally, with my internationally known reputation for greed and evil, it was not difficult to find and select me as a potential business partner. All he asked of me was to, 1) provide a bank account to where this money could be transferred, 2) serve as the guardian of his fortune, since Henry was under age, and 3) make arrangements for Henry to come to the United States after the money has been transferred. For this he would award me 20% of the total loot, that's $3,300,000, as my commission. The whole thing could be concluded within seven days after I signify my interest in helping him. I had the option of corresponding with him via his e-mail address or his telephone number.

Realizing that it was a scam, I sent the gist of the e-mail to the FBI. They quickly got back to me and recommended that I fax a copy of the message to the Secret Service. In addition they sent me the skinny on operations of this sort. They are fascinating. You can see what they have to say at http://www.secretservice.gov/alert419.shtml. 

I searched out the the web site of the U.S. Embassy in Burkina Faso. On its Financial Fraud Warning Page I found the following: "Did you get a letter or an e-mail from a bank or brokerage firm that sounds too good to be true, chances are it is a scam. We have seen dozens of victims who have been promised part of a fortune from a deceased person's accounts."

So fraud must be big time business in Burkina Faso.

* Burkina Faso is a small landlocked country in the middle of the "hump" of Africa. Ouagadougou is its capital. 

WHAT YOU GOT IN THAT NEEDLE, DUDE?

The Soviets spent a lot of time and money attempting to weaponize it. Now it turns out that North Korea, Syria, Iran, and Iraq are thought to have been successful in weaponizing it. U.N. inspectors were told by Iraqi authorities that they had produced 19,000 liters (that's 4,950 gallons) of it - said to be enough to kill every person on Earth, three times over. 

Now, the population of Earth in 2002 was about 5,970,000,000 (5.970 billion). Three time that is 17,910,000,000 (17.910 billion). 

4950 gallons equals 633,600 ounces. Therefore, it would take only 0.0000353 ounces to produce a fatal dose for each of 17.910 billion people. 

How much is 0.0000353 ounces? 

Well, according to my medical dictionary, one drop of water equals 1/60 fluidrachms. One fluidrachm equals 1/8 fluid ounce. So, there would be about 480 drops in an ounce of water. That means that 1 drop is equal to 0.0020833 ounces. Divide 0.0020833 by 0.0000353 and you get 59 (plus a small fraction) people PER DROP. So, it would take about 1/59th of a drop to kill each person. 

What is it? It's Botox - that stuff that's produced by the bacterium Clostridium Botulinum. "It is the most poisonous substance known to man," says the Center for Civilian Biodefense Strategies at Johns Hopkins University. Because of its high toxicity, its prevalence, and the long term medical care required for anyone poisoned with it, it is a very effective biological weapon. 

In an ad promoting Botox as a safe, temporary cosmetic cure for wrinkles and frowns, it is described as a “natural protein.”*

Really fun stuff. Anyone for a Botox Party?

* http://www.botoxcosmetics.com