Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
SPECIAL EDITION
The Best of: On the Road with DR. EVIL
From Vol. II, Nos. 1 - 12, 2000
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January 1, 2001
A
Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
ARE
COWS REALLY THAT DUMB? NOT SO, SAYS WELSH FARMER.
Those of us with at least a few rural bones in our bodies have grown up pretty much convince of the stupidity of cows. True, they have the reputation of maintaining particularly vacant facial expressions. But there is one Welsh farmer who has a very special feeling for them, especially Daisy, his favorite. The farmer has a sizable herd of dairy cattle, and one unpredictable and nasty bull. One day while he was working in his pasture, he was viciously attacked by the bull, who commenced to gore and stomp him. Then across the field came his entire dairy herd, led by Daisy. They promptly chased the bull away and formed a crowded circle around the severely injured and semi-conscious farmer, thus preventing further attacks from the bull. On being interviewed, the farmer expressed his undying gratitude to his bovine buddies, especially "Miss Daisy," who had very likely saved his life.
LITERARY
RESEARCH
I subscribe to THE NEW REPUBLIC. TNR is a weekly opinion zine devoted primarily to politics, comentary and book reviews. I enjoy it - probably because it's contributors ARE so strongly opinionated. A recent issue contains an article about philosopher Allan Bloom, the personality behind Saul Bellow's novel, "Ravelstein." Ravelstein dies of AIDS. I noticed that the acronym was printed in upper case letters, but only as tall as the lower case ones, and wondered if this was common practice in the publishing industry - and why? In other articles I found NATO, WASPS, NAFTA, and FARC (for Armed Forces of Colombia) - all little upper case letters. If the acronyms are typical, they will be pronounced rather than spelled out. (That last one probably should not be used in mixed company.) The practice must be to use the smaller upper case letters if it is typically pronounced. But then I found CNBC - all little upper case letters. Try pronouncing that one. Then, in other articles I found GOP, HRC (Human Rights Commission), DNA, NRA, DLC (Democratic Leadership Council), HMO, CIA, NRP (Israel's National Religious Party), PLO, IMF, MIT, U.N., etc., all full-size upper case and one with periods. They pretty much follow the pattern of full size upper case - no pronouncing. Periods would appear to be included to be sure that, if it is reasonably pronounceable, no one will try. For example, it would be a downer for such a prestigious organization as the United Nations to have people going around referring to "un" rather than U.N. I assume no one pronounces GOP "gop" or MIT "mit." So, just because a set of initials CAN be pronounced, doesn't mean that it should be. Then I saw a reference to the Philadelphia Organization of Old Pugilists. Why didn't the writer use the obvious acronym? Just kidding.
PLANETARY
ALIGNMENT
This May 3 through 5 has been designated "World Illumination Days," calling for a global meditation on the 5th between 8:41 to 9:41 PDT. This 60 minute period is the "Key Flashpoint." That's because, on that date we will be treated to a "Grand Planetary Alignment." Earth and Moon will be aligned on one side of the Sun and Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn will be more or less aligned in that order on the other side of the Sun. So, we won't see the latter five. But the effect on Earth is expected to be dramatic. Actually if we were able to draw a line from the center of the Sun to Saturn on this occasion, we would see that Mercury is about 20 degrees off-line from the Sun, Venus 30 degrees from Mercury, Mars about 45 degrees the other way from Venus, and so on. Not that great for a "grand" alignment. And these variances are with regard to one plane, obviously one in which Earth makes a best-fit case. How about their apparent alignment in other planes? May 5th is considered a "magnificent metaphysical portal of opportunity to make manifest all the growth and healing of the past cycle in our lives and in the world." It turns out that there have been all kinds of alignments in recent years. On January 28th, 1998, we had one involving Venus, Mercury, Sun, Neptune, Uranus, Jupiter, and Mars lined up in that order. Notice that Mars would appear to be further from the Sun than Neptune. Hmmmm! I guess it doesn't matter that they are out of order. But what does that say for alignment? Other such stellar events occurred 18 times between 1929 and 1997. It's frightening, to think that Earth could have been demolished on any of those occasions. Why is it that the possible effect on other planets is never mentioned? Hmmmm! Some alignments involve the minimum necessary three planets, such as Jupiter, Venus and Mars in December 1997. I guess two planets don't make much of an alignment.
A
LETTER HOME
When it first played on our local PBS TV station a few years ago, I watched and recorded Ken Burns' "Civil War." At the time, I was struck by the eloquence of the letters written back to loved ones by the soldiers of both the Union and the Confederacy. I have recently re-watched the first few hours of that 11 hour series and have transcribed one such letter.
MASSIVE
OVERREACTION
Maybe that nine-year-old boy from Plainsboro, NJ, was guilty of bad timing. Or, more likely, officials were guilty of massive overreaction. The boy told one of his fourth-grade classmates that he was going to "shoot" another student with a "paper wasp". In other words, he planned to launch a paper wad with a rubber band at one of his classmates - just like many kids do from time to time. (I was one of my grade school's best shots with these missiles.) The parents of another student heard about the boy's plan and promptly notified the county school district, which promptly notified the police, who promptly showed up at the boy's home at 12:30 a.m. that night to "interview" him. "We just wanted to make sure that students were safe," explained the district spokeperson. But what if he comes back to class with a straw and some spitballs or, worse, a pea shooter? I say to all you third graders out ther, "RISE UP! RELEASE THE HOUNDS - and the paper wads and spit balls.
STIR
GENTLY! DON'T BRUISE THE TOES. There's this gold-rush-days type bar in remote Alaska. Over the years, its various proprietors have managed to acquire the frostbitten and subsequently amputated toes from a rather large number of old sourdough feet. They are perfectly awful looking shriveled and blackened things, nails and all - barely recognizable as former body parts. A tradition at this bar is to serve a toe, or two or three, neat, no ice cubes, in a short drink - about two fingers (or toes) of whiskey. Needless to say, the repeated bourbon and rye soaks haven't improved their appearance. House rules require that the drinker permit the digits to at least touch the lips with the glass tipped up. A real mountain man will demonstrate his dedication by draining the glass and wriggling the toes around inside his glass with the tip of his tongue - or better yet, by finishing the drink with a toe sticking out between his lips like a short, soggy, dripping stogie.
BETTER
THAN A MIRROR ON THE KNOB OF THE OLD FLOOR-MOUNTED GEAR SHIFT
Governor Taft, of Ohio, has recently signed into law a bill making high-tech voyeurism a crime. The bill makes it a State offense to secretly photograph or videotape under a person's clothing to try to get skin or underwear pictures. Modern photographic equipment has made it easier for so-called "upskirters" and "downblousers" to catch glimpses at things they shouldn't. Jail terms can be as much as 6 months and a fine of up to $1000. The sponsor of the bill claims that a man used a video camera to film under a woman's dress at a church carnival in his district. The Bill takes effect in October. Gosh, I never thought of doing that. What a great idea. OK, you guys, we have until October.
A
CAN OF DISTINCTION
At the Netcong/Hopatcong exit off I-80 in New Jersey, we encountered an Exxon Station with the best johns of any filling station anywhere, any time - and the best service. Would you believe that Full Service prices were the same as Self Service. Mrs. Evil reported that the ladies' room was appointed with two bouquets of silk flowers, an embroidered pillow, a nicely painted decoupage country style chair, an air freshener, and a rug in front of the sink on the immaculate and waxed floor. The men's room was no less well decorated, also with two bouquets of flowers (one of which was on a handsome caned chair with a floral design painted on its back), a potted plant, a rose petal filled wicker dish on a little side stand, and a hooked rug wall hanging. Both bathrooms were immaculate - not the expected stench that comes close to burning the hair out of one's nose. After a young man filled our tank, Mrs. Evil commented to him that a woman must be responsible for the care of the bathrooms. He allowed as how the owner's mom sees to their decoration and cleaning.
THE
WONDERFUL WORLD OF MALAPROPIA
Malapropism! "A usually humorous misapplication of a word: specif: the use of a word sounding somewhat like the one intended but ludicrously wrong in the context" - Webster. The press frequently chides Dubbya for his ventures into this area, but he ain't nuthin compared to the master - former Vice President Dan Quayle. We aren't talking "potato" vs. "potatoe" here, we're talking Big Time. Sharen Shaw Johnson, editorial writer for the Dayton Daily News, is credited with witnessing perhaps the greatest all-time misuse of words. It was made in reference to the United Negro College Fund motto, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." It seems that the Congressional Black Caucus was hosting a reception at the beginning of a UNCF fund drive and to which all kinds of political luminaries were invited. Senator Kennedy was there and signed his name to a large pledge sheet down front. Dan Quayle dutifully followed. It was on this occasion that the famous words were offered. "What a waste it is to lose one's mind," he said with pride. Then, realizing that something was not quite right, he "corrected" himself with, "Or not to have a mind is very wasteful. How true that is." Yes indeed, a mind IS a terrible thing to waste. Or is it that some minds are a terrible waste?
WHERE
ARE YOU CAPTAIN MARVEL?
Have you looked at the "funnies" lately? They aren't what they use to be. As my evil daughter recently noted, they no longer deal with subjects about which children have an interest. For example, today's pages deal with the following; two adults complaining about their kids not appreciating surround sound: a guy trying to snag a date over the phone: a dog feeling abandoned because her mistress is going out on a date: the misadventures of a highschooler: two Army officers sitting at the bar discussing the sayings of Yogi Berra: a boss discovering that one of his employees has taken an unauthorized absence from work: a caveman ordering a "diet" martini (that is, without an olive): a barfly planning his weekend of loafing: a satire on commercial aircraft seat leg room: confusion over the use of "internal" versus "eternal:" two babies, who, although they apparently can't talk, are nevertheless discussing how soon they will gain bladder control: stale food in a restaurant: the latest in office politics: the potential that hospitals might stop honoring medicare (honestly): and last but not least, the politics of property development (really). None, by my estimate, would be of interest whatsoever to an eight-year-old. In a recent edition of The New Republic, Brian Groh discusses the same problem with regard to movie matinees featuring such cartoon heroes as Batman, Superman and Spider Man. The audiences are primarily composed of adults rather than "snickering teenage voices, popping gum, and crinkling candy wrappers." And what about Comic Books? How long has it been since you've seen those onomatopoeic greats like "Thwack" or "Kaboom?" How about "Zaaaap" and "Splatttt?" Then there was " Karunch" and "Zinggggg." I suspect these great vocabulary builders are gone forever. And no more superheroes defending a moral universe that places great value on "attributes other than braggadocio and bullying, a universe in which characters struggle for truth and justice against tremendous odds." And what do we end up with? The World Wrestling Federation.
THE
"ROLLING HOLD"
On 6 October, Senator John McCain brought to light a highly questionable and dangerous ploy in legislative procedures - the "rolling hold." It seems that one senator can thus anonymously delay consideration of a bill, and before he can be found out and pinned down by the bill's supporters, he passes off the hold to another senator who continues the hold - and maintaining anonymity. This tactic was used to, in effect, defeat McCain's bill aimed at strengthening highway safety in the wake of the deadly Ford/Bridgestone/Firestone fiasco. He lambasted the auto industry and its allies in the Senate, saying, "The fix is in. So the special interests will now prevail over safety interests where lives of Americans are literally at stake."
The bill would increase the National Highway Safety Administration's authority to collect information on possible automotive safety defects and require the agency to update its 30-year-old standards. The parts of the bill that I believe caused its demise were the provisions that would allow an increase in penalties for manufacturers of defective auto parts from $925,000 to $15 million and company officials who knowingly sell defective products that kill or injure could be sent to prison for up to15 years.
They are being allowed to escape accountability.
Regardless of the nature of the provisions within this bill, it is extremely disturbing that it or any bill can be killed in such a cowardly and dangerous fashion. If Senators are permitted to remain anonymous, how is the process monitored? How can it be certain that a senator is actually exercising a "hold" if he is to remain anonymous? Doesn't the process invite corruption?
How can such a tactic be permitted? How can it be within reasonable Senate rules to permit any member to act anonymously? If I am any good at reading body language and detecting embarrassment in voices, I would say the Senator Domenici was not happy to have to say before the entire Senate and the nation that he could not reveal the names of those senators participating in the anonymity game.
The Senate Rules Committee is responsible for policing the Senate to assure that procedural rules are just and reasonable and that they are being observed. Senator Mitch McConnell, R-KY, is Chairman - Senator Christopher Dodd, D-CT, is ranking minority member.
Over the next few days, I looked for this story in the Dayton Daily News, but didn't find it. I did, however, find it at http://cbsnews.cbs.com/now/story/0,1597,232610-412,00.shtml.
Senator McConnell's e-mail address is senator@mcconnell.senate.gov. Senator Dodd's: senator@dodd.senate.gov. Addresses of all can be found at http://www.senate.gov/contacting/index.cfm
ONLY
IN THE "CITY BY THE BAY"
In San Francisco, there is a minor movement protesting the fact that people who cohabited their residences with one or more canine companions refer to themselves as "dog owners." This is considered insensitive to the dog's self esteem. It is degrading. It smells like the master/slave thing. They propose that a more appropriate term for the relationship would be "dog guardian." This would reportedly alleviate the dog's anxiety and enhance his/her feeling of worth. Nothing was said about cats, canaries, gerbils, white rats, gila monsters, or gia pets. Are they to remain in servitude? How will this affect the manner in which dogs treat their fellow beasts? Is this an attempt to resurrect the theory of racial superiority at the subhuman level? I can see it now: skinhead dogs in Brooks Brothers suits, sipping martinis in the bar at the Fairmont Hotel on Knob Hill.
A
REAL STORAGE SHED
By my standards, we have an honest to goodness bonafide REAL storage shed in our back yard. It isn't one of those gambrel roof prefabs on skids that you see in so many back yards and on sales lots along US Rt. 40. It's no ornament. It isn't a status symbol. Mrs. Evil and I take pride in having designed and built it ourselves. It is of the salt-box variety, with its peak set at 90 degrees and offset toward its front so that, with equal roof pitch, the back edge of the roof is only about 4 feet from the ground and the front about 8 feet. It has a porch across the front and a loft inside over the entrance. To qualify as a real storage shed it isn't sufficient that it contain the usual seasonal yard and patio furniture, garden tools, insecticides, fertilizers, lawn mower, gasoline, children's outside summer toys, a garden sprayer, and a step ladder. Like a REAL pickup truck, it must also contain an assortment of esoteric personal stuff that disengages if from the "everyday" and elevates it to a superior level. In addition to all these things that make it an ordinary shed, a REAL shed must also contain an assortment of esoteric personal stuff that render it unique - things like a pile of 100+-year-old scrap barn siding, a half bushel of acorns for sustaining squirrels during the winter, kitty litter to soak up oil drips from Mrs. Evil's 1979 Buick, a 12-foot length of 2-inch yellow plastic natural gas line, about 100 feet of garden hose without benefit of nozzles, tomato and pepper stakes (all well rotted after at least 20 seasons of use), a half empty 5-gallon can of aluminized roof coating, half of a roll of 20-year-old roll-roofing, an abandoned bird nest on a shelf with the flower pots, and all sorts of other stuff -- and lots of dirt. Unlike a REAL pickup truck, however, a REAL storage shed doesn't have to contain empty mangled beer cans.
Until the next time, have a happy New Year.
Dr. Evil
Why yes! I'm Evil.
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