Commentary - Humor - Nonsense - Sarcasm - Satire - Whimsy
SPECIAL EDITION
The Best of: On the Road with DR. EVIL
From Vol. I, Nos. 1 - 7, 1999
A
Missive of Irregular Frequency and Questionable Worth
MUTE
COMPANIONSHIP
The other day as I was driving out of my credit union's parking lot, an elderly woman was parking her vintage vinyl top Cadillac. In the front passenger seat sat a clothing store female mannequin. I had trouble believing what I was seeing, so I turned and went around the parking lot for another look. Sure enough, there she was. Fully dressed in a nice light and fluffy summer dress, sitting up as straight as could be - and with her shoulder seat belt fastened. Mrs. Evil allowed as how she should have been posed with her head in a less rigid position and, maybe, with her elbow and forearm up on the windowsill.
Was she a companion for whom the woman provided "care," like the dolls some elderly women in nursing homes seem to need? On the other hand, did it offer protection - to lead others to believe that she was not alone?
INTELLIGENCE
REPORT
I read an article critical of NATO for not knowing where the Chinese Embassy was in Belgrade. The author noted that the Official Belgrade Web Site, "http://www.beograd.org.yu", contained the current address of the Chinese Embassy. Sure enough! I called it up and there it was, along with hundreds of others, all under "Useful Information." (So can you. Just click on the address.) The "intelligence" within the CIA, I see, is just about at the level we all suspected. They obviously have no use for "Useful Information".
THE
ANTHROPOMETRY OF BOOBS AND MELONS
LONDON (Reuters) - Britain's biggest supermarket chain has asked growers to supply smaller melons after research showed women shoppers subconsciously compared them to the size of their breasts, newspapers reported Monday. The Daily Telegraph said buyers were told by the retail psychologist who carried out the research that a current preference for smaller busts was the reason why traditional big, fleshy melons were remaining unsold. "We were very surprised by the results of the market research," a spokesman was quoted as saying. "But it's certainly produced results. Since we introduced smaller melons two months ago we have sold more than a million." The research showed that seven out of 10 women questioned agreed breast size was "the most likely subconscious factor when selecting size of melon".
THE
PROFESSIONAL WAITER
Mrs. E and I recently had lunch with some good friends at the Sunrise Cafe. A youngish looking waiter came to our table and took our orders for drinks. After he departed, one of our friends, who had obviously eaten there before, announced that the waiter was from Colombia. The owner dropped by our table and we asked him about his mixed berry pie - and about his waiter. He allowed as how the pie was mixed raspberry/blueberry and that our waiter was a "professional". I immediately wondered what it took to be a professional waiter. Does one arrive at that exalted level as soon as one successfully waits on his/her first customer or does it take years of training? When our "professional" waiter came back to take our food order, I commented, "I understand that you are a professional waiter ."
"Yes, I've been a waiter for 14 years. I started out on the West Coast - in California."
"- - and that you are from Colombia," I added.
"Yes!" he said.
"What did you do before you came to this country?"
"I was a bounty hunter."
I felt like we should eat fast, clean our plates and leave a big tip.
CLOSE
ENCOUNTER OF THE NERD KIND
Mrs. E and I had dinner at the Tumbleweed Restaurant, a combination steak and Tex-Mex. grub house, the other evening. One of the waiters was a fairly tall, slender, close-cropped white-haired young man. When I first saw him, I thought to myself, "Whom does this kid look like?" Then, when I saw him again, it came to me. I asked Mrs. E who he reminded her of. She studied him for a while, but I couldn't wait. "It's Boomhauer from 'King of the Hill,' I announced. "King of the Hill," the TV account of the tribulations of Hank Hill, the most famous propane dealer in Texas. She knew right away who I was talking about. To see a replica of such an intellectual giant as Boomhauer was surely a once-in-a-lifetime gift. The enlightened among you have probably already been touched by this man's monumental brain and ability to clarify the most complicated theory in just a few guttural utterances. LISTEN TO A SAMPLE You appreciate the thrill I experienced, I'm sure. For those few among you who have not benefited from the wisdom unselfishly offered by this great sage, the program can be found on the Fox network.
TELLING
IT LIKE IT IS
Historically, the British have been very conscious of the manner in which English is spoken. Their social classes are pretty much defined by how their members pronounce their words. Lower class citizens, and especially colonials, have been harshly criticized when they attempted to "improve" their enunciation to more closely resemble that of the upper classes. They were considered impertinent when speaking at a level to which they did not belong. In 1926, the Advisory Committee on Spoken English was formed to arbitrate correct upper class pronunciation. George Bernard Shaw was the chairman. On one occasion he brought up the word "canine" , and proposed that the recommended pronunciation be "kay-nine". Another member disagreed, "Mr. Chairman, I don't know why you even bring this up. Of course, it is 'kah-nine.'" Shaw said, "I always pronounce things the way they are pronounced by people who use the word professionally every day" and added, "My dentist always says 'kay-nine.'" Someone said, "Well, in that case, Mr. Shaw, you must have an American dentist." Shaw whipped back at him with, "Of course, why do you think at age 76, I still have all my teeth?"
WHAT
DO THE REALLY RICH SPEND THEIR MONEY ON?
I recently read about a Kuwaiti potentate who owns a Boeing 747 with a gyroscopically rotating prayer room continuously oriented toward Mecca. That's really something. But he also has serious heart problems, so he had the plane's upper deck converted into a cardiac intensive-care unit with all the latest technology. That's even greater. But, get this: The plane is also equipped with a living donor. A heart donor. He's some poor guy of compatible blood/tissue type to permit a relatively uncomplicated transplant, should his benefactor need it. His reward is to live well until needed and the promise that his family would live well afterward. Do you suppose he gets frequent flier miles? As Aristotle Onassis is reported to have once said regarding the very rich, "The rules are . . . there are no rules.
Until the next time, have a happy New Year.
Dr. Evil
Why yes! I'm Evil.
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